27 June 2011

Dark Skys

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I don't even know where to start. I've been feeling awful for weeks now and it's leaving a haze of frustration and anger over my life at the minute. Not that awful things haven't been happening as well...

On Monday we had a hospital appointment with the endocrinologist (because in case you missed it: I not only have fibromyalgia, hypermobility, kidney stones and IBS, I've also been diagnosed with Graves Disease). I'm not really to concerned about it to be honest. It's inconvenient and has a few unpleasant effects, but it appears to have an easy and clear treatment. It can have an effect on fertility though.

There's little point in rehashing all the details, but the gist of the story is: While I'm gobby enough to question a doctor about the whys and hows of my condition - I'm not a doctor and I'm not qualified to dictate my own treatment. By the time we left the hospital she'd made four recommendations and we'd changed everyone of them. She agreed with the changes obviously, but it completely undermined my confidence in her assessment. It didn't help she was a student doctor that had absolutely none of my notes (not even the letter the consultant - her boss - sent us summarising my treatment so far!) and she also asked some insensitive questions about my 'miscarriage'.

I was really unhappy after the hospital appointment, so made an appointment to see my GP. I suspect that my GP thinks I'm a bit more fragile than I really am. Over the last month I seem to burst into tears every time I see her, but she seems to think this is normal after the trauma of losing the ectopic pregnancy. I'm not convinced, but she might have a point. I really did get angry after the endocrine doctor asked "So, you've had a miscarriage? Was it just the one?" And when she cheerfully asked "I'd like you to have this thyroid scan, but it will mean you can't get pregnant for two months afterwards, okay?", luckily I could point out my iodine allergy which quickly scuppered that plan without a fight. Even now these don't seem like things that should upset me so, but you should have seen my GP's face as I recounted the tale. She was not impressed and suggested I could file a complaint so it wouldn't happen to anyone else.

Add to all this that I fell down the stairs and sprained my big toe minutes before leaving for the GP appointment, and I've really been feeling sorry for myself. But loads of good (and very tiring) things have been going on too. I've been on a day trip out to Ruthin, we've attended a wedding blessing ceremony, a Quaker Garden Party and have a gorgeous new espresso machine to play with - but I still feel isolated and out of step with the world, like there is no place where I belong. I feel angry that the ectopic rupture has interrupted our lives, that despite feeling better for weeks now we still can't try for another two months. I wish I had the talent of other blogs for turning such abstract pain and frustration into a pithy empowering statement on surviving life, but at the moment it just sounds like whinging even to me.