27 February 2012

Killing Time

Waiting at Manchester Airport

Since we were given the referral to IVF - we’ve done virtually nothing. We have filled in yet another questionnaire asking about weight, alcohol consumption and smoking, but that’s it. Otherwise it’s just been more weeks of waiting, wondering when we’ll finally get the letter that starts the whole process.

Oddly enough, the referral has given us an odd sense of peace. While we are still trying each month, we also know it’s not going to work. This has allowed us to step off the emotional rollercoaster. We’re not even hoping we’ll get pregnant, so the two week wait isn’t tortuous anymore. It’s also stopped us from feeling so guilty if we can’t try on every one of our most fertile days. As long as we try once over those days we don’t worry too much.

Even though we’ve accepted not getting pregnant - when it comes to IVF, it still feels like it’s happening to someone else. Turns out one of Mr Goldfish’s work friends is currently pregnant after having IVF, so she’s shared some practical insights. But even as we discuss these fine points - of needle types, injections and suppositories...I don’t quite believe this is my imminent future. Sure IVF is more common these days, but I still want to believe it is something that happens to other people. Something in my mind is reluctant to link all this medical intervention with our dream of having a child.

When we started this journey a family seemed an easy and natural plan. Even as years have passed, we always hoped that this month would be it – just a delayed start to our perfect pregnancy. I know there is no guarantee that any pregnancy will go smoothly, but when so much in life has been a fight - we hoped this might be at least be typical or average. As IVF approaches I need to let these hopes go. I have to face my fears and resolve my doubts so I’ll have the strength and assurance to carry forward.

The letter finally arrived this morning, our IVF information evening is booked for Feb. 29th.

This was originally written for the Emma's Diary Blog.