10 March 2012

March 11th

Blackpool Couple
This day has been creeping up on us, and I think it's actually been harder for Mr Goldfish than it has for me. When I was rushed to hospital a year ago tomorrow, everything seemed to happen quickly. From my point of view, maybe a half hour passed between arriving in A&E and being swept into the operating room. Poor Mr Goldfish had to experience those three hours in real time as well as wait anxiously through the three hour surgery. For me tomorrow is the day I lost our pregnancy, for him it's the day he nearly lost his wife.

At the Patient Information Evening last week they were explaining that they only counted a pregnancy successful from the moment they detect a heartbeat, which starts at about five weeks. Since then I've kept hearing the A&E doctor's words in my head, "It looks like it was about six and a half weeks".

I have no idea why she told me this, as I was definitely eight and a half weeks pregnant. I suppose she was trying to tell me it was stunted or small, that it hadn't been growing properly...but certainly at the time it felt like she was just telling me I was wrong or less pregnant than I thought. Along with the horrible questions about 'disposal', this was one of the most upsetting aspects of the experience.

Somehow hearing last week that my pregnancy would have had a heartbeat - even if it was only six weeks along - made the pregnancy feel more real and valid, and the loss more significant.

We've actually ended up in an odd position the last few weeks. We've had opportunity to meet up with family we haven't seen in years, but while the ruptured ectopic pregnancy was publicly known our referral for IVF isn't. So last weekend while I was struggling with our infertility and moving forward with IVF...our relations were asking how I was doing with our lost pregnancy - I really didn't know what to say.

Before last week, neither myself nor Mr Goldfish had registered how close we were to this unfortunate anniversary but it seems events have conspired to remind us. I'm not sure these revelations change anything, but hopefully this is the last of the milestones. We're one year on, and hopefully, moving forward.

Finally I'd like to thank anyone that can and does give blood. I lost four litres of blood when the pregnancy ruptured, and I was given seven units of blood and five units of frozen plasma. Truly these donations saved my life. Blood donation is so important, I'd encourage anyone who hasn't to give it a try.