I’ve been having a hard time lately. I’ve been keeping busy, but maybe too busy. It’s been helpful to be distracted from the waiting, but I’m left feeling drained and tired. Last weekend we went to a wedding, and as I sat watching the screaming children and their weary parents - I couldn’t help but wonder if this was really the life I wanted.
It doesn’t help that I’ve never been that interested in babies. They're cute for a few minutes, but then I’m more than ready to give them back! Bring them back to me when they get to be toddlers and children! I’m sure it would be different with our own child, but there is a slight fear that winning this agonisingly long fight will result in 9 months of exhaustion and pain, followed by two to three years of hard work before really achieving my dreams. When feeling tired, drained and probably a bit depressed – you start to wonder if it’s even worth it.
Personally I find it very hard to keep enthusiastic over repeated failures. I mean if trying to conceive had been a sport or a craft I’d never have stuck with it for three years. I’d have given up in frustration and found something I actually have a knack for. I mean at what point do you say “You know what, I’m obviously not any good at this – I should just give up.”?
The silly thing is I’m talking about this like I have a choice in the matter. I can already tell I’m detaching myself from the situation, probably as a form of self-defence – but the problem is there’s not much I can do about it. Even if I was to naturally get pregnant tomorrow, I’m not sure I’d be happy about it now. I’ve moved past that sweet-spot where I believe everything will work out and moved into a place of apathy and doubt.
All of this is making our IVF journey difficult. We’re now in the system, so virtually everything is out of our hands. In many ways I want to pull out and quit, but at the same time I think if I just slog through it I’m sure to come around. I mean I’ve desperately wanted a child for years, surely I won’t just change my mind in a snap...but I’m just not convinced.
If a boyfriend had caused me as much heartache as this dream of a family has, my friends would tell me to let him go because I deserved to find someone better. Should I really fight this urge to move on with my life?
This was originally written for the Emma's Diary Blog.