One of the hardest things at the moment is continuity. Over the last couple of weeks I've attended a Quaker Clerking course and yesterday's BlogCamp, and they are moments when life seems normal and fine. I know what I'm supposed to do, and by acting as if everything is fine - everything is fine. I've walked out of both feeling empowered; that there are things I need and want to do...
But when I get home that all seems to vanish. When faced with blog posts, emails, phone calls or even twitter...I just can't bring myself to engage and interact. It's like my mind retreats leaving me a bit lost.
For weeks I've been hiding from the silence. First by burying myself in books, and when my concentration fled I worked my way through years of Can I Has Cheezburger, Failbook, and FML posts (Warning: swearing & adult "humour" in some cases). Anything to drown out the empty buzzing in my head.
It even seems to be compounding now. I can't cope with writing Step Down Sundays, which means I don't have opportunity to write the easier Shiny Somethings, which then prevents me from writing about anything else. And the weight of all these things I should be writing - makes it harder to find a place to start.
I probably need to take a break from the Step Down Sundays until I have space in my head again for other things, but it's just two weeks until Step Down Sunday's 1st birthday. While I haven't written every week over the last month, it feels like it would be a failure to take a break at this point.
I guess that's what I mean by continuity, just how difficult it is to carry things through from day to day.