Last week we went back for our follow-up consultation with the fertility clinic. As we stood on the damp train platform, my husband lifted an eye lash from my cheek and asked me to make a wish. At first I shook my head, with our dreams now shattered I didn’t know what to wish for... but then I closed my eyes and lightly blew the lash away - wishing simply to find the right path forward.
I normally avoid taking about the spiritual side of our IVF journey, mostly because I believe the experience is universal and applies to everyone equally, but at the same time it’s difficult to explain our decisions without acknowledging this influence in our lives.
I believe there is some greater power that guides us through life; whether you call that force fate, chance, God or a collective human conscience I don’t really mind. Whatever the explanation, I have experienced moments where I have no doubts, where I know I’m in exactly the right place and know exactly what I should do. These are the moments when I feel in step with the world and part of something larger – for me they are the spiritual experience I’m searching for.
As we finished our first IVF cycle I was overwhelmed with the knowledge we couldn’t do that again. I could find plenty of reasons to justify abandoning IVF, but mostly it was an emotional response so strong it made me feel ill. Though I didn’t know of any alternatives, I just couldn’t repeat that exact same path - even if it meant the end of our potential family.
As we sat in the consultation room, the doctor quickly realised we weren’t convinced a second cycle was the right decision. From his perspective we weren't even a difficult case, yet it still wasn't right for us. But then he offered us something different -rather than repeat the same exercise again, we could try a different drug and this time we wouldn’t use Buserelin to suppress my natural cycle. This would cut the number of injections down from thirty-one days to just ten, which also makes the whole process seem less daunting. It’s doubtful that I’ll respond better to this drug treatment than the previous one, but instantly I knew it was the right thing to do.
Even if this IVF cycle fails, at least we’ll know we tried. We won’t be left with unexplored possibilities hanging over us (something which worried my husband). I can’t really explain why a simple change of drugs has made such a huge difference, all I can say is I felt that instant recognition that this was where I needed to go. My wish for a clear path came true.
This was originally written for the Emma's Diary Blog