Another Goldfish

Driven to Drive

2012-02-14T18:28:00.000Z

Since joining the WI I’ve suddenly I’ve found myself thrust into a busy social life, and it’s become clear that I need to sort out my driving.

Because I lived overseas I started driving at 16, but only automatic cars. When I moved to the UK 12 years ago I didn’t need (and couldn’t afford) a car so I stopped driving.

In 2006 my Mum paid for me to take some UK driving lessons so I could drive her around when she came to visit. It didn’t take me long to pass my test, but virtually all the cars I drove after passing my test were automatic. So when it came time to drive Mr Goldfish’s car I was already rusty.

Mr Goldfish had an old Fiat Bravo that had seen better days. It would clatter and shake and absolutely terrified me. I was always convinced it was in the wrong gear and I would completely ruin the clutch. The experience was so traumatic that it’s been difficult to get behind the wheel since.

We bought a new Ford Focus a couple of years ago, and I know I can drive this car...but I can’t. I even have trouble starting the damn thing! The resulting panic is nearly paralysing.

We’ve tried to find empty industrial estates where I can practise without the stress of other drivers getting irritated every time I stall the car, but none are especially close. I’ve been getting better each time, but with months in between sessions it's like starting over each time. We’ve been planning to book some refresher lessons, but money has been so tight it always seemed a luxury.

I’ve decided I have to bite the bullet and get it sorted. I can't keep dragging Mr Goldfish out every time I want to go somewhere. (And all the extra driving to pick me up and drop me off also doesn't help our carbonfootprint!) I have a bit of birthday money left and we’ve had a small windfall which should be enough for a few lessons.

Now I just have to overcome my social anxiety long enough to find a driving instructor....

Something I Love

2012-02-13T20:05:00.000Z

This week Mammasaurus from Love All Blogs has asked us to share a photo of something we love for her Valentine's Day competition.

I’m sure some people will think me shallow or even pathetic for listing my weekly Starbucks latte as something I love, but it's truly the highlight of my week.

Besides the fact they serve fair trade coffee and make soya lattes, I go to Starbucks so I can curl up in their big comfy chairs and relax. It’s a chance to feel normal, a place where I feel like everyone else. In a way it takes me back in time, to when I was young and life still was full of possibilities.

I went to my first coffee house when I was still in highschool, it was a small independent place called Trivium. It was one of the few places teenagers were welcome to gather and chat. Ironically it was Starbucks’ heavy handed tactics that forced Trivium to close, and I boycotted them for several years as a result. When I went to University the local coffee house was an escape from the long hours in studio, where we went to chat, gossip and relax.

Back them my drink of choice was an Italian Cream Soda, an odd concoction of plain soda water, flavoured syrup and milk, cream or half & half, but since moving to Britain I’ve come to appreciate the lovely warmth of lattes.

An oasis of calm that comes with a sense of independence and freedom, curling up with a Starbucks latte is something I love.

I am sharing an image of something I love with Love All Blogs and Albelli

Step Down Sunday - Center Parcs

2012-02-12T08:00:00.000Z

We’ve just returned from a lovely five day holiday at Center Parcs, and while I sat in Meeting on Sunday I had chance to think how our lives have changed.

Growing up holidays always required a driving for days or an international flight, so I acquired a sense of wanderlust at a young age. I aspired to explore and see the world, and I did tick many of the European destinations off my list with my three month backpacking trip. But as I think back on it, the cities were nearly identical. There are wonderful things you can only see in person, but I’m not sure I really need to see them.

When my health deteriorated travel became more difficult - suddenly busy holidays and sleeping in cheap & lumpy hostel beds seemed unbearable. These days I can barely carry a handbag much less my own luggage, so something at a slower pace is more appealing.

I fell in love with Center Parcs the first time we were invited along on a big family trip with the in-laws. There was no pressure to dash around doing things, yet there was an amazing pool I could spend hours in! So for the last few years we’ve gone on a mid-winter holiday (when Center Parcs is at its cheapest). We knew about the money and time Center Parcs invests in the forest and wildlife...but I’ve been a bit worried about that giant heated pool I love so much!

Since returning home I’ve investigated further and been pleased with what I’ve found. Center Parcs is one of the leaders in eco-tourism. They have a solid commitment to the environment and were the first recreational sector organisation to earn ISO 14001 standard, which requires a company to assess all potential environmental impacts and demonstrate active management to prevent negative impacts. (TreeHugger)

Practical ways they do this include:

They don’t use chemicals for pest control
They use grey water recycling
They use electric vehicles on site (25% of fleet)
Upgraded all diesel vans to efficient E4 rated engines
Staff use video conferencing where possible
Old bicycles are refurbished and donated to charities worldwide
They encourage guests to recycle and aim to produce zero landfill waste by 2015
Once guests have upacked, their cars are returned tothe parking lots for the duration of the holiday.
They aim to reduce their carbon footprint by %20 over the next ten years
Any new facilities or expansions will be carbon neutral
They’re even assessing the sustainability of their supply chain to ensure all vulnerable raw materials come from sustainable sources.

Each village has an Environmental Action Team which involves staff in environmental initiatives. It’s estimated that each village implements 150 initiatives a year!

They’ve also recently invested £1 million in replacing the Winfell boilers with new more efficient boilers and a new Combined Heat Power (CHP) Unit which is the first of its type in the UK. Recent refurbishments of the Lakeside Inn have used LED lighting and kitchen extraction to make a 15-20% savings in energy.

In addition to reducing their carbon-footprint and energy usage, they also invest in wildlife conservation and biodiversity effort. In fact one of the highlights of visiting Winfell Village is watching the cute red squirrels, which are a native species struggling to survive.

So when it comes to environmentally friendly holidays Center Parcs fully receives my endorsement. It’s a wonderful holiday that combines relaxation, nature, and swimming, while making a stunning commitment to the environment and our future. Granted we’re lucky that we can go in the off season when it’s cheaper, but I hope we’ll still be able to support these good works even if we have a family.

*Not a sponsored post*

Have you made any Steps Down this week?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

Family Mystery

2012-02-08T22:42:00.000Z

My Grandmother

One of the most thrilling things about genealogy is stumbling across a mystery. Ours starts with my grandmother's birth certificate.

When I started researching our family history my aunt sent me copies of my grandmother's birth certificate. I was a bit baffled at first as there were two forms. There was the normal birth certificate and a Statutory Declaration signed by my grandmother saying this was definitely her birth certificate.

The problem: My grandmother's name was Nora Osborne and her birth certificate said Nora Locke.

I asked both my father and my aunt about the discrepancy, but they didn't know their mother had a previous name. So I started digging.

William & Fanny Osborne

These are my paternal great-grandparent, William & Fanny Osborne.

Fanny first married a William Skorrow in 1902 and had six daughters before his death in 1915. My grandmother was born three months before William Skorrow was killed in a mining accident...but why was a William Locke listed as her father? All we knew about William Locke is what's written on the birth certificate, he was a Private in E Company, 3rd Battalion K.O. York Light Infantry, previously a Colliery Hewer (miner).

After the death of her first husband Fanny married again in 1918 to William Osborne. On their marriage certificate W. Osborne is also listed as being a Private in the Kings Own York Light Infantry, but that's probably not uncommon for the area they lived in. The only extra detail I could gather is that his father was named Thomas.

Another facet to this mystery is of course the first world war, which started the year my grandmother was born and finished the year my great-grandmother married again. So it's bound to have played some role in the drama, but unfortunately many of the WWI services records were destroyed during the bombings of WWII.

So I was faced with three Williams:

W. Skorrow - the first husband
W. Locke - on the birth certificate
W. Osborne - on the marriage certificate

For months I wrestled with the puzzle. Unfortunately 1890-1900 has been the at the very edge of recently released records. I could find absolutely nothing on Locke or Osborne, so I started searching out the people around them.

Of the six daughters I found birth certificates for the first four Skorrow girls and my grandmother, but I realised I was missing the second youngest Emily. I searched and search through the birth records with no luck. I scanned through every Emily born between the years of 1910-1914 to no avail. In the end I can't remember what trick I used but I finally found Emmie Locke born July 1913. My father had assumed it was a nickname my great-aunt went by rather than her given name.

Of course this brought up more interesting questions. Emmie was born two years before W. Skorrow died, and my grand-mother was listed as a Mrs Locke on the birth certificates - obviously something being hidden. As divorce wasn't really an option at the time, so it was probably and illicit relationship or affair.

My big break through came with the release of the 1911 census. I desperately wanted to see what my great-grandmother was up to just a couple years before my grandmother was born. I discovered Fanny living with her first husband W. Skorrow in his mother's house. Along with Fanny, William and their four daughters was an unexpected surprise, George and William Locke...W.Skorrow's cousins!!

William Locke Osborne

Finally I'd found the elusive William Locke! Unfortunately I still couldn't find the brothers in an earlier census, but I did manage to find George's military records. Hidden in a faint faded script I found the answer to my second mystery. George lists his next of kin as his father Thomas Locke, but the important detail was the address - the same address that W. Osborne listed on his marriage certificate! So I finally had proof that W. Locke & W. Osborne are the same person.

So it looks like my great-grandmother fell for her husband's cousin while living in crowded quarters. I suspect Fanny and W.Skorrow decided to split up and she and W. Locke pretended to be married until W. Skorrow died and Fanny could legally marry again.

The mystery I'm left with is why did William Locke change his name? Were they hiding from angry family or maybe from the military? I'd love to know more, but for the moment I'm a bit stumped. Anyone have any suggestions?

Have you ever discovered a family mystery?

Emma's Diary Meet & Greet

2012-02-08T08:00:00.000Z

As always I’m running a bit behind. The activity and stress of the last few weeks took its toll on both my immune system and my reserves, so I’ve spent much of my free time sleeping. This of course means I haven’t had opportunity to introduce you to the lovely bloggers I met at the Emma’s Diary Meet & Greet.

I really love travelling, though I think that’s due to the fact I also love planning! Before I left I’d plotted two potential train journeys down to High Wycombe and another three for the way back - all saved on my phone in a handy spread sheet. Then by checking out the hotel website I discovered the local Park & Ride service could take me straight from the station to the hotel, avoiding any expensive and frustrating cab journeys. (Why do I always get the creepy cabby who doesn’t know where he’s going?). So other than one close call when I nearly missed my connection due to a delayed train, my down trip went flawlessly.

Unfortunately I didn’t survive the night so well. Sleeping is always a problem when travelling, but there was no way I could carry my extra bed padding with me. I’d rung the hotel and asked for an extra duvet, which I hoped would help, but it wasn’t enough. Even after taking pain killers to get to sleep, I awoke at 4am convinced I was sleeping on a wooden board. After that I only managed a couple hours sleep at a time, so I’m afraid I wasn’t at my best when I met everyone the next morning.

It was lovely to finally match some faces to the stories I’ve been reading on the Emma’s Diary Blog.

Representing the Baby Bloggers were @TheRareBitBlog and her daughter Elle from The Rare Bit & @ellatamsen and her son Oliver from Bell's Little One.

@JumblyMummy from Mellow Mummy & @liveotherwise from Making It Up are Emma's Pregnancy Bloggers. I met @liveotherwise and her adorable Smallest child at dinner the night before. (Turns out Smallest and I share a love of cats.)

New blogger @JamieLeighSS and I are the trying-to-conceive bloggers, and poor @kiphakes from Kiphakes.com was the sole daddy blogger (though he did bring his wife @LozzieHakes along for support).

Sanatogen Pregnancy Supplements
& Palmer's Tummy Butter

While there we also had opportunity to meet several of Emma's brand partners. We chatted to the lovely people from Philips Avent, Avon, BambinoMio, Aldi, Tena, Bonjela &Karvol, Palmers and Sanatogen. After writing about how much TTC has cost us so far we really appreciated the complimentary Santogen supplements. We also got a lovely goody bag from Palmer's which Mr Goldfish appreciated. He's hoping I get pregnant soon just so he has an excuse to use the Palmer's Tummy Butter, apparently it smells delicious!

So after a busy day of chatting and making new friends, I started the long trip home. Unfortunately the way back wasn't nearly as enjoyable. I had much longer waits on cold stations and never really found opportunity to get dinner. Plus someone took my seat on the main train, leaving me to sit across from the creepiest toff I've ever encountered, which I may have posted grumpily to twitter at the time. Overall it was a fun mini-adventure and a brilliant opportunity to meet new people.

Step Down Sunday-Make Do & Mend 2

2012-02-05T08:00:00.000Z

My mum has an amusing story from when she was young, when my grandmother decided their duvet was in desperate need of a clean. My grandmother unpicked the stitches and pulled out all the feathers out of the duvet so she could put the cover through the wash. When she returned, she found her impish daughters jumping in the huge pile of feathers, sending them everywhere!

Last week I took that story as both inspiration and warning when I decided my pillow was in desperate need of a clean. One of the irritating side effects of my Fibromyalgia is that I’ve turned into the 'Princess & the Pea'. Even a fold in the sheet can keep me awake, so mattress springs often feel like cheese wire cutting into my skin. I’ve also discovered normal pillows are a problem. If I accidentally put my hand under my pillow in my sleep, my ear wakes me up with maddening pain. I found my salvation in a shredded polyurethane foam pillow from Muji.

Unfortunately it’s an oval shape and I never got around to making a cover for it, so it’s in desperate need of a wash. I unpicked the stitches and pulled out all the foam – but learning from my grandmother’s experience I decided to pack the foam into giant Tupperware boxes first!

For such a small pillow there was a surprising amount of filling! This is just what could fit in the box, and I needed to find a second. Once the cover had been washed I spent ages trying to get the filling back in evenly. I was tempted to put in a zipper in case it ever needs cleaning again, but I didn’t have time to plan it properly. So instead I stitched it back up with some heavy duty thread.

For now I’ve stuck it in a normal pillow case, but my next challenge is to make a suitable cover that won’t get wrinkles. Over all it was quite simple, if a bit messy, and I'm sure it will last me a few more years.

Have you made any Steps Down this week?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

The Before Photos

2012-01-31T21:49:00.000Z

I’m cutting it close on The Gallery deadline here, but I have come up with one Photography Resolution I would love to stick to this year. So often I plan to write a blog post about a meal or activity, but when I come to write it up I’m missing the photo. So this year:

I will take more before photos.

I will take pictures of food before it’s eaten & crafts before they are done!

These lovely cupcakes are from Laura's Little Bakery in Liverpool. Mr Goldfish had only a vague idea where it was located (via @theAnfieldWrap Podcast) so it took us a while to find, but the effort was worth it! That's a Lemon Meringue with Popping Candy on the right and Salted Caramel with Lindt Chocolate on the left. We also had a Walnut Whip, but that didn't make it home.

I usually find cupcakes rather sickly sweet, but these creations were delightful. My favourite was the Lemon Meringue, but Mr Goldfish has declared he'll need to try more before he can decide.

*Not a Sponsored Post*

Last Minute Changes

2012-01-30T16:53:00.000Z

It’s been awfully busy the last few weeks; making plans for our holiday in Center Parcs, the Emma’s Diary Meet & Greet, and BlogCamp in April. I nearly forgot about the upcoming hospital appointments.

That is until the phone call last week. Some poor receptionist called to say that there was 'a shortage of doctors' the day of my appointment and that they’d rescheduled it for the 28th of March! I’m afraid I gave her a bit of a hard time, as I was more than a bit unhappy.

We’d requested the appointment back in mid-December (to any avoid delays over the Christmas period), and to move it now would mean we’d be waiting more than three months. I wasn’t rude, but I also wouldn’t give them permission to reschedule our appointment – so eventually I was passed over to her manager.

I actually feel quite guilty about this, I’d actually asked for a phone number I could call after I’d spoken to Mr Goldfish. I’m sure there were plenty of other couples just as desperate for their appointments, and while I was unhappy, I couldn’t really see what they could do to fix the situation. Instead I was immediately put through to the manager.

I tried to explain that the change would mean we were waiting more than three months since our referral, and I’m embarrassed to say my voice cracked just a bit. So she went to pull up my records, and confirmed that our last appointment had been in May. I said yes, but that was just after our ectopic pregnancy.

I’m beginning to feel that ‘ectopic pregnancy’ is a magic word that immediately sets doctors in a panic. They seem terrified that I might burst into tears, leaving them with a hysterical woman to deal with. In this case the receptionist quickly started looking for an alternate appointment. She asked if it had to be with the same consultant, and as I’ve never actually met our consult, I really didn’t care. I’m just desperate to find out where we are going, how the ectopic pregnancy has changed our situation and what the future holds.

I was lucky in the end, the manager found an appointment that’s actually the day before my original appointment. Afterwards I discovered the change would cause Mr Goldfish some problems at work, but there was just no way to try and reschedule.

I still feel a bit guilty as I don’t want to push in front of others in the same situation, but I don’t think I could face another two months of waiting.

Step Down Sunday - Temptation of Flight

2012-01-29T09:30:00.000Z

Image: Tim Beach / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When looking to reduce your carbon footprint, flights are often seen as an easy target. People that rarely took to the skies in the first place, often see it as an indefensible luxury – as a dual national, I see flying as unavoidable.

Since I immigrated to the UK twelve years ago I’ve only been home twice, so it’s not something we do often – but we can’t say we’ll never fly again. We can continue to reduce how often we fly, but in the case of a family emergency there are virtually no alternatives.

So when we made our commitment towards a low-carbon lifestyle, we couldn’t say we’d never fly...but there were things we could say. We decided we could commit to making no domestic flights. It was a fairly easy commitment to make, as it's not something we did in the first place.

I should have realised our convictions would soon be tested. Last month Emma’s Diary arranged a bloggers event to be held outside London. At first I thought it would be a same day trip, which would be tiring but manageable. But when I realised the event was starting a 10am we hit the first problem - I simply couldn’t get there in time. I could go down the night before, but my health make it difficult to take luggage, much less the special bedding I need if I’m going to sleep. It was kindly suggested that I could fly down, thus making it there and back the same day.

I’ll admit I was sorely tempted, getting on a plane immediately brings a sense of adventure to any trip! Plus it would save me plenty of pain, frustration and money...but my conscious wouldn’t let me. We’d made such a small commitment to not flying that to use excuses and justifications to break it would make a mockery of our pledge.

So this Thursday I took the train down instead. The journey there was pretty good. I tried to pack as lightly as possible and ended up leaving the netbook at home - which was a brilliant choice, as I'd forgotten I'd be coming home with a few things to try! I asked the hotel for an extra duvet, which helped me get a few hours of sleep (I'm something like the Princess & the Pea; so even after taking pain killers to get to sleep I was wide awake at 4:30am, 6:30am, and I eventually gave up at 7:30am).

On the other hand the journey back home was quite hard, I had to wait longer between trains and it was quite cold. The combination of poor sleep, aching joints, a long day and delayed trains meant I was quite cranky for the last hour - and my bed had never looked so good!

Yesterday I spent most of the day in bed recovering and it may take a few more to get back to normal, but that's at least a cost I can afford. Despite the extra hassle, I'm quite glad I kept my commitment to avoiding domestic flights.

Hopefully I'll be writing about the Emma's Diary Meet & Greet itself soon, once I've caught up on sleep!

Have you made any Steps Down this week?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

Step Down Sunday - Goodbye Standby

2012-01-22T09:30:00.000Z

As part of our Step Down Christmas we decided to ask for some of the eco-gadgets we hadn’t been able to afford yet. Specifically we wanted to invest in something that would turn our television and assorted peripherals off standby.

After a lot of research Mr Goldfish choose the OneClick Intellipanel, which arrived the other week. While I know many people just turn things off at the wall socket, ours is quite difficult to reach – and to be honest I quite like being able to use the remote! With the Intellipanel I can turn the TV on and off ‘at-the-wall’ throughout the day without jumping out of my chair every time.

The OneClick Intellipanel is an extension lead with eight plug sockets as well as phone sockets. It has a little sensor that sits on top of the telly, similar to a Nintendo Wii sensor bar, and works with your normal telly remote. In addition to saving electricity, the Intellipanel also provides surge protection for your appliances.

TVs are quite clever these days, and shutting the power off suddenly can potentially damage them. The Intellipanel is designed to monitor your television so it has time to properly shut down before cutting the power. At the same time it also cuts power to all your peripherals, so your X-Box, PS3, Wii, and DVD players are also completely turned off - but OneClick have been even more clever! Because they’ve designed an IntelliPanel specifically for modern media systems, two of the plug sockets are always powered for your Sky+, PVR or video recorder. So you'll never miss you favourite program because you forgot to turn the box back on.

In addition to the TV & Audio IntelliPanel we purchased, there are also IntelliPanels specifically for desktop computers and another for Laptops.

Have you made any Steps Down this week?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

Creative Challenge

2012-01-16T11:22:00.000Z

You may remember that last week I taught myself Tunisian crochet. After making a long thin test piece, I unpicked it all and started again. This time I used only the knit stitch and hoped to make a short scarf...but I ran out of wool too soon. Unfortunately it was a very old ball of wool, so I couldn't buy another to keep going and nothing really matched. I didn't really want to invest more money in a project I haven't planned properly, so instead I challenged myself to find a use for 18 inches of knitting.

I decided to unpick the last few rows and try my hand at a button hole -I didn't quite get the tension right, but it works. Then I found directions for decreasing on both sides - this took four attempts as the return stitches kept coming in too fast. Then some quick stitching up the sides transformed it into a small bag.

The flap does curl which is annoying, but to be expected with Tunisian crochet. The only problem now is what do I use it for? It's lovely and soft, so may make a lovely heating pad cover - but I never actually use them. I'll have to keep thinking on it.

Overall I'm quite happy with this cheap cheerful project that let me practise my new skills.

Written for liveotherwise's Creative Challenge Linky

Step Down Sunday - Refurbishing Furniture

2012-01-15T09:30:00.000Z

Ever take on a project only to discover it was much bigger than you expected?

When it comes to art I’m not really that impressed with paintings and prints, but I love ceramics. From tiles to plates, it’s a passion I can’t really explain. So it’s no surprise I have a small collection of Bridgewater tableware. For years I’ve been dreaming of a kitchen dresser that would let me present my favourite pieces – but they are so expensive!

In July I was looking for a project to lift my spirits and keep me busy while still recovering from surgery. I started scouring eBay for kitchen dressers in our area. After a few weeks I found on that looked perfect! The top had been painted a very dark green, but it was a simple modern style made from real wood with a pine top and just the right size – all for £100 and they’d even deliver for an extra £20! I anxiously watched that auction for days, and was thrilled when I won the auction.

But hours later we received a phone call - they said that there were some holes they’d not noticed before where the stereo speaker wires had been feed through the back. They suggested we go look at the dresser first. I can hardly think of anything I’d dread more! Going to the home of someone I don’t know, to make an instant decision about something they own? That’s my own personal hell, but off we went to look at the dresser.

The holes they mentioned were tiny and not really something to be worried about, but the large 6 inch hole we spotted at the back of the cupboard concerned me more!

They pointed out how it was real wood and it was a bespoke design they bought from someone else for £500. I can’t say I was happy. It’s one thing to say there are small holes, but I would have had time to think before bidding if the large holes had been mentioned in the auction listing - at the same time I wasn’t sure we’d find something better so I agreed to buy it.

If we’d had a quiet moment to ourselves we may have noticed there were even bigger problems with their description. Firstly the only things made from real wood are the drawers, everything else is MDF - even that pretty pine top is really veneered MDF. Unfortunately by the time it arrived and we’d discovered this, we didn’t feel like we could really complain – we had seen it first. While it may still be a reasonable price, the whole story makes my stomach lurch. I don’t think I’d have paid £100 if it had been properly described. My brilliant bargain has turned into something else.

Once we realised the unit was made of MDF we decided the back piece would be easy to replace, thus fixing the holes. We’d also need to replace the ‘pine’ top as it was marked and we couldn’t sand it down. So my simple project that needed just quick coat of paint had turned into a complete remodel.

About the same time the Quakers made their commitment to becoming a low-carbon community, and this project seemed a brilliant starting point. We were bringing new life to furniture that was being thrown out.

Unfortunately we’ve had to balance out the costs with what we can do environmentally (It was already an indulgence to buy the dresser, before we discovered all the work it needed!) We used water-based primers and paints and used Ethical Consumer to try and buy responsible power tools. We also bought a piece of birch IKEA kitchen worktop to replace the top and the added thickness balances the dresser nicely. I just wish I was better at remembering to take before photos.

Though it’s taken months, my pretty new dresser is finally finished!

Have you made any Steps Down this week?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

Joining the WI

2012-01-11T21:59:00.001Z

For years I’ve been tempted to join the Women’s Institute, and I’ve spent several months being envious of a Friend in our Quaker Meeting that lives near a thriving WI meeting. It seemed a brilliant way to meet people with similar interests, but there didn’t seem to be one near me.

So when Nic (NicsNotebook) asked if I was interested in going to the inaugural meeting of a new WI in our area, I jumped at the chance! Started by Helen (Casa Costello) & Cara (The Freckles Family) it seemed perfect.

I didn’t have much time to RSVP, but decided to risk it and just turn up. There was a brilliant turnout - women of all ages who seemed really eager to get involved. The first meeting was mostly the technical aspects of getting a new WI off the ground. We had to vote for a president, we had to empower them to open a bank account, we had to choose a name for ourselves and we had to appoint a committee.

This is where I may have gone slightly mad. Ann our WI Advisor was telling us what the roles would entail and convincing us it would be a brilliant idea to volunteer. I was reluctant at first, I’ve been recently appointed as Co-Clerk of our local Quaker Meeting and I’m quite worried I’m already over committed. But this was an opportunity to make some real friends - not that I don’t love all my digital friends – but sometimes you just want to talk with someone face to face. I decided I could either hover around the edges of the group, being quiet and reserved – or I could throw myself out there and really get involved. As an ex-pat you often feel like an outsider looking in, and this seemed an opportunity to be there from the start and build something I really wanted to be a part of.

So when they asked for volunteers I hesitantly raised my hand. Luckily we had an amazing ten volunteers for the committee, so there should be plenty of people to share the work. After the meeting had finished the committee hung back to make some nominations. We had several positions to fill, and some hold significant responsibility. So I made a strategic decision and volunteered early, for Vice-President. Though it sounds important, I’ve been told vice-presidents only have to stand in if the President can’t attend – which sounds perfect! I’m quite happy to stand-up in front of people and make a fool of myself or pitch in when people need a hand. (I’m not so good at telephone calls and big projects.) Mr Goldfish was slightly exasperated when I told him of my new responsibilities, but he could see my logic.

So there you go, I attended my first WI meeting...and now I’m vice-president.
Surely it isn’t supposed to work like that.

Step Down Sunday:Make Do & Mend Blanket

2012-01-08T09:30:00.000Z

For this week’s Step Down Sunday I’ve resisted the urge tobe fashionable and the temptation of new, instead opting to make do and mend.

Despite its bright yellow colour, this is my favouriteblanket. It’s a proper old polar fleece blanket, back from when they wereweighty solid things. It was the only one I could find on the shop floor, and Iconvinced Lewis’s in Manchester to give me a display model discount. It’s wonderfully warmand toasty without being too heavy.

Unfortunately the blue ribbon edge is sewn on with a clearplastic thread similar to fishing line.As the blanket has aged, the thread has been prone to snapping. The corners came unfastened a few years agoand I repaired them, but lately large sections have come undone.

I can’t say electric yellow is really my colour and as it’sclear the whole edging is going to unravel, I’ve been tempted to buy areplacement. It’s only because the new fleece blankets seem so thin and cheapthat I’ve resisted.

But now that we’ve made our low-carbon commitment I reallycan’t justify replacing such a good blanket. I’ve been meaning to fix it for monthsnow, but I only seem to remember in the middle of the night when my feet getcaught in the holes!

So very late on New Year’s Day I broke out the sewingmachine and reattached the edging. I didn’t have enough thread to sew all theway around the large blanket, but hopefully this will hold a few more years.

Are you a proponent of Make Do & Mend?
What have you fixed lately?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

Finished It Friday!

2012-01-06T09:30:00.000Z

I've been tempted to join The Freckle's Family Finished it Friday for ages, but that required me to actually finishing something! So over Christmas I set myself the challenge of finally finishing this pretty biscornu.

I love to cross-stitch, especially on a high-count even-weave. The problem is I have no idea what to do with them when I finish. I don't really want a houseful of framed cross-stitches, so I'm often stuck stitching wedding & birth patterns I can give away. I'd been hoping to try my hand at Blackwork when I found this pretty biscornu pattern over on Etsy.

I started the project while recovering from surgery back in April, but my hoop was too small to do the backstitched edge that pulls the whole thing together. So New Year's Day I went digging through my craft cupboard to gather the final supplies.

If you've never seen a biscornu before, it's just two squares sewn together. You just stitch the corner of one square to the centre of the other square's side. I'm not sure I stuffed my biscornu enough, but as I'm only using it as a pin cushion I'm sure it will be fine.

Learning Something New

2012-01-04T00:25:00.000Z

I’d love to learn to knit, but so far I’ve never found a way to hold the needles that didn’t make my hand ache like mad. So when I saw Tunisian Crochet on Pinterest, I was intrigued. Here was a way to ‘knit’ but with a single crochet hook.

I couldn’t wait to try it out, so I added Afghan crochet hooks to my Christmas wish list. A brilliant project for the lazy days of Christmas, I grabbed some left over wool and taught myself this basic stitch from Crocheting the Day Away.

It’s fantastically easy and quite quick, but now that I’ve mastered the basics I started to wonder what I can do with it (other than make scarves!) So with a bit more investigation I found another tutorial at Annie’s Attic that creates a beautiful knit finish. Just a slight adjustment on how you place the hook makes such a big difference!

I’m still not sure what I’m going to make with my new skills, but I’ve enjoyed learning a new craft!

Anyone have any pattern suggestions?

Written for Live Otherwise’s Creative Linky

Step Down Sunday - Eco-Christmas Review

2012-01-01T09:30:00.000Z

The last few months we’ve been trying to make changes thatwill reduce the environmental impact of Christmas. Now that we're through the rush and excitement of the season, I thought it would be good to look back andsee what worked and where we can make improvements.

Christmas Cards

This year we printed Christmas postcards on 100% recycled card. The idea was brilliant, but there are some things we can improve on!

First is that I should have left the backs blank. VistaPrint offer to print a light grey patternon the back of the card, so I thought why not, but the print was actually quitedark and makes it harder to read the address and message. To make it legible I had to use felt tip pens.This wouldn’t normally be a problem, but since they were postcards, there wasthe possibility they could get rained on and the ink may run. I had a last minute panic as I tried to findpermanent markers that wouldn’t bleed. (Surprisingly I didn’t get funny looksin the Reprographics store for testing the markers on my card and then dashingover to the water cooler to dip my finger in the drip tray and try smearing thewater across the inks!) I did finallyfind waterproof pens, but I assume they aren’t very eco-friendly. Next year if I leave the back of the card white I’ll be able to write my message innormal biro .

I think I’ll also try and send my overseas cardsby surface mail next year. I have asked Royal Mail if they know how the carbon footprintof surface-mail compares to air-mail, but they’ve not got back to me yet. Finally we can try and find a printer thatuses vegetable inks.

So while we made some huge improvements, there is still room for improvements.

Eco-Score: 7 out of 10

Christmas Presents

We did pretty well on the Children’s presents, but startedto struggle when it came to the adults. I think they fall within threecategories Eco-friendly Presents, Reasonable Compromises, and ones where wecould have made better choices. This list includes things we bought for othersand presents we asked for (I’ve left off gifts we had no influence over).

Eco-friendly Presents

BigJigs Wooden Train Set (Nephew)
I Love My Planet Monkey (Niece)
Curious George Books (Niece)
The Little Experience Paint Your Own Bird House (Niece)
Organic Pasta Baskets (Cousin & Grandparents)
Ashley Can Crusher (For Me)
Bamboo Afghan Crochet Hooks (For Me)
Home-baked Organic Cookies (For Aunties)
Homemade Lemon Curd (Grandma & Friends)
OneClick Intellipanel (For Us)
2 Mobile SavaSockets (For Us)
Bamboo Socks (For Me)*

Reasonable Compromises

Lego Sets (Nephew & Mr G)
M&S Slippers (For Me)
River Cottage Veg Cookbook (Mr G)
Spa Gift Certificate (Brother & Sister-in-law)
Baby’s First Christmas Ornament (For Friends)

Room for Improvement

Doctor Who BluRays (For Us)
Harry Potter BluRays (For Us)
TinTin DVDs (For Mr G)
White Christmas DVD (Mother-in-law)
Harry Potter Lego Wii Game (For Us)
Batman Xbox Game (For Mr G)
Music CD (Mr G)
Harry Potter Cluedo (For Us)
Hornby Model Train Level Crossing (Father-in-law)
Wooden Nutcracker (For Me)
Yankee Candles (Aunt & I)
Gap Jumper (For Me)
Cath Kidston Fat Quaters (For Me)
Tala Pastry Cutters Plain (For Me)
Tala Pastry Cutters Crinkly (For Me)
Staples Paper Trimmer (Mother-in-law)

Some of the items in the "Room for Improvement" list justdon’t have eco-friendly alternatives. Inparticular media discs are a big problem (CDs, DVDs, BluRays, & ConsoleGames), though we’ve greatly reduced how many DVDs we've bought. This year we’vetried to only buy discs we are passionate about and will watch many times overthe years. Other items were chosenbecause we are trying to buy more of what we need rather than disposable itemswe don’t. Finally some items were pickedbecause they are tools we can use to make things in future.

On the "Compromise List" we have items that may not beeco-friendly, but have some redeeming characteristic. For the slippers it’s simply that no otherproduct would be suitable. The cookbook will encourage Mr Goldfish to stick tohis meat-free diet. Other items are made from plastic, but will be used foryears. Finally the Spa Certificate is an alternative to other media typepresents. I also feel that while Spa’s may use a lot of energy and such,sharing those costs with everyone else who uses the spa reduces their impact.

On the "Eco-friendly List" all the presents were pretty successful. I love my new can crusher! I can’t use thefoot operated can crushers, and I was a bit worried the wall mounted oneswouldn’t be as efficient. This wall-mounted can crusher by Ashley is brilliant though, we’ve spentthe afternoon crushing our cans and they take up lots less space in therecycling bin now! However two of the presents have a small hitch. I’m not suremy youngest niece appreciated the I Love My Planet Monkey when faced with so many other presents,but hopefully it will grow on her after reading the Curious George books.

Finally you may have noticed that the bamboosocks have an asterisk at the end. We bought these quite early in our Christmasshopping, assuming that bamboo cloth was an eco-friendly choice. It was only when researching the eco-feltthat I learned more about bamboo fabric.

To make fabric, bamboo is turned into viscose. Viscose canbe made manually, however it is normally made by processing the wood or in thiscase bamboo in lots of chemicals. It’s hard to claim using all these chemicalsis really environmentally friendly. Sowhile my bamboo socks were bought in good faith, I think we’ll have to do more researchinto eco-friendly fabrics and clothes.

As only half our presents were eco-friendly and even those could be improved, I think there's a lot of work to be done next year.

Eco-Score: 4 out of 10

Christmas Wrapping

Now on Christmas wrapping we made some big changes! We bought recycled brown paper, which can be recycled again for the wrapping. We discovered that Sellotape brand sticky tape is bio-degradable! We made some fabric bags for wrapping awkward shaped presents, from some old curtains I had in the loft. And of course we can reuse these bags each year, which will save a fair bit of paper. The only thing we have to work on is snagging the paper back off people when they’ve opened their presents so it definitely goes into the recycling rather than the bin! We did reuse some of wrapping paper we were given, and we’ll keep our eyes peeled for eco-friendly ribbon in future.

We've made huge improvements, but until we use up our supply of curling ribbon and plastic sticky tape there'll still be room for improvement.

Eco-Score: 7 out of 10

Other Things

Even though they're not so far away, public transport doesn't really work for visiting Mr Goldfish's family. We were able to stay over a couple of nights, but once more guests arrived we had to make the 45 minute drive each day.

We also didn't prepare Christmas dinner, so there's little we can change there - but we should make some improvement to the snacks and nibbles we eat over the festive season.

Eco-Score: 1 out of 10

So what do you think? How did we do?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

Tempting Fate

2011-12-28T09:30:00.000Z

Finally the end of 2011 is in sight, but I’m filled withboth relief and dread. I wish I couldsay, next year can only get better, but I said that at the end of 2010 and theuniverse apparently took it as a challenge.

In 2010:
We’d been trying to conceive for a heart-breaking 18 months,but we were looking to start treatment in the new year. After six years my husband’s job assessmentcame back, much lower than expected so we faced a long process of appeals. I was sent to a medical assessment where thedoctor lied about my illness and as a result lost my Incapacity Benefit. Ingeneral we felt beaten down and out of luck.

In 2011:
We’ve now been trying to conceive for 2 ½ years. The treatment did actually work and we didget pregnant – but it was ectopic and ruptured. I lost 4 litres of blood andcame close to dying. I was also diagnosedwith hyperthyroidism, and have been through a multitude of tests. As a result of either the blood loss, losingthe pregnancy or the hyperthyroidism an awful lot of my hair fell out - it’sgrowing back but will probably take more than a year to get back to normal. Thenthey thought my thyroid problem may actually be cancer (It wasn’t. Phew!). Atthe same time my lovely cat had a stroke. Strokes aren’t as severe in cats(though quite distressing to witness!) and it turns out he also hashyperthyroidism. Mr Goldfish is still going through his job’s appeals process butit doesn’t look promising. We did win the appeal about my Incapacity Benefit,which is a huge relief. I know I’ll lose it again in the near future when theyswitch me over to the new system, but this reprieve gives us room to breathe.

So while we’ve had a few turns of good luck I can’t helpthinking loosing the pregnancy, nearly dying, the cancer scare, and thinkingour cat was going to die - make this year the winner in our personal Worst YearCompetition. The thought of next year continuing the downward trend is a rather terrifyingprospect, so I’m feeling a bit superstitious.

Silent Sunday

2011-12-25T12:25:00.004Z

My Christmas List

2011-12-24T11:20:00.003Z

While I love Christmas and all spending time with family, it's also a week and a half of uninterrupted time off! Which means it's a brilliant time to finish all those things I've not quite gotten around to. Things I'd like to do over the Christmas holidays:

Get rid of the 160 survey emails clogging my inbox
Finish my cross-stitch bi-corn
Get the new kitchen dresser finished and filled
Repair my favourite blanket
Get the netbook set-up properly
Sort out the contacts and addresses on my phone
Consolidate google accounts
Archive old email, blog posts & back-up websites
Reorganise Twitter

I expect this list will be added to extensively over the next 24 hours.

Step Down Sunday – Christmas Wrapping

2011-12-18T09:30:00.000Z

This week’s Step Down Sunday was nearly late, as I was so wrappedup with presents last night! I adoreChristmas, but you have only to see a bin bag full of torn wrapping paper onChristmas morning to realise it’s a bit wasteful. But as always Step Down Sunday isn’t aboutgiving up our well loved traditions; it’s about finding new sustainable ways todo them.

One big problem with wrapping paper is that there areseveral reasons it often can’t be recycled (recyclenow.com):

It often has metallic foil, glitter or added plastics
Some wrapping paper is very thin so doesn’t hold many good quality fibres
And then there is the all the sticky tape!

First we started looking for recycled gift wrap that didn’t include these additives...but we didn’t find much. The John Lewis website claimed to have some, but when we inspected the packaging in person there was no mention of it being recycled. We decided to go back to basics and buy plain kraft paper that could be recycled (and isn’t dyed). We found Flexocare Kraft Paper at The Range and our local post office. I was quite impressed, it’s made from 100% recycled material and just a £1 a roll. It comes in two widths, so we bought several rolls of the 500mm wide (6m long) and just a couple of 750mm wide rolls for those extra large presents (2.5m roll). I quite like it plain, but if you find it a bit drab you can always decorate the paper yourself.

Unfortunately we have a huge supply of curling ribbon, so while it’s not eco-friendly we are going to use up the ribbon we already have. In the future we hope to switch to raffia ribbon or recycled string as a sustainable alternative.

It was only while I was searching for other eco-friendly craft supplies, that I discovered there is such a thing as eco-friendly sticky tape. Cellulose tape is made from a wood pulp, so it is bio-degradeable. Turns out that unlike the US, here in the UK we have easy access to eco-friendly sticky tape – Sellotape! They even get their wood pulp from suppliers with extensive reforestation programs. (Treehugger)

The pulp is made using a process,which is elemental chlorine free and does not harm the environment. At theSellotape factory, the hot melt coating technology we employ minimises the useof solvents. Any solvents that are used are processed through our ThermalOxidiser and recycled with the resultant heat being used in our drying ovens.

In The Range we also found recyclable gift bags! I’m not hugely fond of gift bags, but through our extended family they do get used over and over. So while made from virgin material, these pretty bags from Tom Smith can be used several times before being recycled.

Finally I made some fabric gift wrappers. I found some old material in the loft I used to use as curtains way back in University. With a couple of quick seams I made something like a pillowcase. It's perfect for wrapping awkward things (in this case big pair of boot slippers), which would use an awful lot of paper. We don't intend to use these with our family and friends, but the Mr & I will use them for years to come.

So there we have several ways to reduce the environmental impact of Christmas morning!

Do you have any sustainable wrapping tricks?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

My Blogging CV

2011-12-15T23:50:00.002Z

This week's Gallery celebrates the release of the Blogger Calendar with photos taken at CyberMummy the past summer. I didn't attend CyberMummy, so probably won't claim a calendar - but I was intrigued by the prompt. Tara and Jay want a photo of what inspires our blog and a bit of a blog CV.

Another Goldfish has always been about new beginnings. Previously I've written for design and shopping blogs, and as we planned to start a family Another Goldfish was intended to be a combination of lifestyle and baby products.

Unfortunately starting a family wasn't nearly as easy as we hoped. So after a year of trying I started the blog anyway, but to share the frustrations and pain of keeping our fertility problems a secret.

Probably the biggest change to the original blog concept is our recent commitment to low-carbon living, and this has been incorporated into the blog with Step Down Sunday.

My most popular post was part of the Mumsnet Miscarriage Care Campaign.

While I can't claim any accolades, I am also a regular blogger over at Emma's Diary.

Not an especially noteworthy CV, but there you go!

Step Down Sunday: Eco-Felt

2011-12-11T09:30:00.000Z

When looking at your carbon-footprint real Christmas treesare obviously the best option. Whengrowing they reduce the carbon in the air and at the end of the season they canbe composted or replanted. Unfortunatelywe bought a new artificial tree in the sales last year. It would be wasteful to throw it away now (andI’ll admit I actually prefer artificial trees).

Since I can’t reduce my carbon-footprint with my choice oftree, I've decided to pick my new decorations carefully. One general premise suggests that we’rebetter making things rather than buying them.In theory we reduce things like packaging, transport costs and we also knowhow they have been made.

I thought I’d start with some simple felt ornaments, but it’sno good making things ourselves if our materials aren’t eco-friendly. So for the last few weeks I’ve been searchingfor eco-friendly felt. There appear tobe two types: Wool and Recycled Polyester. 100% wool felt is quite eco, butvery expensive. There is apparently a Wool/Rayon blend which is cheaper, butthis may be misleading. Though Rayon ismade from natural fibres, the intense process required to make Rayon is notalways considered eco-friendly. Finallythere is EcoFi felt which is made from recycled bottles. The bad thing is that you are still usingplastic so your scraps won’t bio-degrade, but it also provides a market forrecycled plastic. There’s no point inrecycling our bottles if we can’t sell the resulting material to make somethingnew.

I eventually concluded that while wool is the ideal choice,eco-felt is an acceptable alternative. After much searching I finally found astore that stocked EcoFi which is manufactured in the United States byKunin. Simply Sequins sells single 9x12in sheets in awonderful range of colours for 45p each, which is quite competitive when compared to places like Hobbycraft. I've not had chance to make anything yet, but with all these colours there's so many possibilities!

Do you know of any more eco-friendly craft supplies?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

Step Down Sunday - Eco-friendly Cats

2011-12-04T09:30:00.000Z

One big contributor to your carbon footprint is yourpets. Much of it comes from their high meat diets, but there are still thingswe can change.

We started by looking at the cats’ litter tray. Since Mac had his stroke he’s had troublegetting through the door of our covered litter tray. For the moment we’ve removed the cover, butthe litter is being kicked everywhere. The tray is about 10 years old, so we decided it was reasonable to get areplacement.

After a bit of searching we found the BecoTray – an eco-friendlylitter tray. They take bamboo andleftover rice husks and grind them into a fine powder. The powder is then mixed with a biodegradableresin and pressed into a hot mould. This makes the BecoTray sustainable to produce andwhen in a warm damp environment (like a compost heap or when buried in the ground) the tray biodegrades in just 2-3 years. The result feels something like Bakelite - heavy & strong but it doesn't have the flexibility of plastic.

We did have some problems with the first tray they sent out, as the pieces wouldn’t fit together. Therewas then some confusion with the delivery company who were suppose to collect theold tray and deliver our new one, but Brands by Nature also sent us a Beco Litter Scoop for our trouble.

So now we have our eco-tray, we started looking at thelitter itself. Though a natural material,the clay for clumping litters is often produced by strip mining, which is consideredan environmentally degrading process. But there are a few eco-friendly cat littersavailable that use recycled paper, wood pellets or vegetable matter. In the endour decision was partially influenced by where we could buy the litter from. We found most of the eco-friendly litterswere available online, rather than in high street shops. So instead of paying for shipping every few months,we decided the cat litter could help us qualify for free delivery from Ocado (butmore on Ocado another week).

We finally chose Natural & Clean Cat Litter, which is 100% biodegradable, flushableand compostable. It’s made from depleted barley (after the edible part has been removed) and is natural and sustainable. It also has a patented odour control formulathat uses natural ingredients. We're still using a 50-50 mix of the new litter and our old litter while the cats get used to it, but so far we're quite happy with it.

Now we just have to figure out if we're allowed to add the used litter to our green bin for composting!

Can you make any eco-friendly changes on behalf of your pets?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

Emma's Diary

2011-11-30T02:20:00.000Z

You may have noticed recently I've not been writing much about our struggle to conceive and there are two big reasons. The first is that there isn't much to say. We're slowly working our way through the Clomid and have one more cycle to go before we can be referred for IVF.

The second is that I'm one of Emma's Diary's new bloggers (you may have spotted the badge on the right), so much of my infertility angst has been vented over there instead. (I thought you might like a break from it!)

If you would like to catch up on my posts there:
My Introduction
Life Still Goes On
2 years 5 months
Don't tell me to relax!

Right now it's some stupid time in the morning because I can't sleep. Yet again I'm being taunted by my irregular cycle length and early spotting. Yesterday morning I had enough spotting that I thought my period would be starting in the next couple of hours. Instead it's disappeared completely over the last 48 hours. As each hour passes my hopes get higher and higher. Even though I'm sure this has happened before, I'm suddenly thinking forward and making hopeful plans.

I'm now wondering when to try a pregnancy test. I get the impression that most women test early with the hopes of getting a positive result. I've realised I tend to test early so I can get the bad news sooner, to squash my hopes before they become painful. So do I test in the morning (Day 27#) or do I wait till Thursday? How much pain will that extra day cost me if I get the expected negative result?

-----------------------------------------------------

Update: I gave in and took the test. Negative as expected.

Step Down Sunday - Organisation

2011-11-27T09:30:00.000Z

It feels like the last few months have run away from me, andI was struggling to think of any note worthy changes we’d made - but I realisedit’s not just the big things. We're trying to change the way we make decisions and the way we approach problems - I suddenly realised I had an example of that.

This week I’ve been quite desperate to organise my deskdrawers, specifically I wanted something to corral my pensso I don't have to search through the whole drawer to find one.

I was nostalgically recalling some plastic drawer dividers I usedto have as a teenager that would have been perfect, so I started searching theinternet for a suitable replacement. I did find this set from Lakeland which isquite similar and I was sorely tempted, but besides being a bit expensive for abunch of plastic trays, I couldn’t help thinking it was also rather wasteful. SurelyI should be able to find a cardboard box that would work?

Most of the boxes I found were much too big, but I remembered I hadan empty Kleenex box upstairs. I was a bit dubious that it would work, but I’dgive it a try. As I left the room with my reclaimed box I spotted a forgottengem. Two years ago I was given a Cath Kidston umbrella, which came in anequally pretty box. So pretty in factthe empty box has been sitting on my dresser ever since – and it’s the perfect sizefor pencils! I snapped it up and dashed back downstairs.

This box was just what I was looking for - it’s strong, durableand attractive. And even better because the box has a lid I get two matchingtrays for my drawer!

It’s not exactly impressive, but by resisting the easy plastic option I found I had the perfect solution right under my nose. I just needed the time to think of a better solution (though being a bit of a packrat also helped!)

Have you made come up with any creative eco-solutions recently?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

The Ministry of Books

2011-11-23T15:51:00.000Z

If I lived in a hypothetical world where I could only keep oneof my books, I’d have to choose Quaker Faith & Practice. Faith & Practiceis a collection of passages from Quaker writings that give advice and help explain what Quakersbelieve. It’s one of those books which always has something to offer wheneveryou open it.

Most meeting houses will have at least a few copies hidingon their shelves. Often when I go into meeting for worship, I pick one up andlet it fall open randomly. This means whileI’ve read a good portion of the book, I can struggle to find specific passages.

For the last few months I’ve been searching for one of myfavourite passages. I’ve searched and searchedthrough my copy of Faith & Practise, but couldn’t find it. I’d just about given up when I went intoManchester for the mid-week worship. Ipicked up an old copy of Faith & Practice from the shelf and let it fallopen. Finally there was the passage I waslooking for:

Quaker Faith & Practice 21.13

When we descend from our towers, and come out fromour sanctuaries, and take our place in ordinary homes, and workshops, and aresurrounded and jostled by our fellow-creatures, we find that our sensitivesouls shrink from some of these contacts: that this man humbles our pride, andthat one offends our aesthetic sense: that this woman takes our words amiss,and that one misconstrues and resents our actions. It is so much easier to feelenthusiasm for humanity, than to love our immediate neighbours. - PhyllisRichards, 1948

I suspect this was the book from which I first read this passage.

When a member of the meeting ismoved to stand and speak, we call that ministry - and it occurred to me thateach copy of Faith & Practice offers its own ministry. Over time the books become worn and well lovedpassages easily fall open.

If the book is owned by an individual you may find theirvoice within its pages, but if it’s a communal book like those found in ourmeeting houses – does it become something more?

I like the idea that each book has its own voice and personality, offering somethingdifferent even though the words are exactly the same.

Step Down Sunday - Tetra Pak Recycling

2011-11-20T09:30:00.000Z

Since tiding up our recycling area, I’ve been looking more at what we can recycle. One point of concern has been Tetra Paks. The official Tetra Pak Recycling website would suggest there are recycling points across the country, but at least in our area the information is very out dated.

I eventually called the council after I was unable to find any of the listed recycling points. Apparently since Tesco took control of the bottle banks in their car parks, the Tetra Pak recycling containers have been removed. This means there are no collection points in our area, and there seem to be none nearby.

There is however an unusual solution. You can save up your used Tetra Paks and post them directly to a recycling centre in Somerset. (This may be slightly misleading – there are no Tetra Pak recycling mills in the UK. Instead the cartons are shipped to Sweden where there are suitable facilities.)

There is also some concern that it isn’t true recycling. Tetra Paks can’t be turned into new Tetra Paks. The Tetra Pak recycling website says the paper fibres are removed and reused while the aluminium and plastic components are combined to create furniture. I have some reservations at taking this information at face value. It’s clear that Tetra Pak are trying to sell the product as environmentally friendly – I’m not sure how interested they are in keeping the information up to date.

Tetra Paks do have some interesting environmental claims. Tetra Paks take less energy to produce than cans. They can also be formed on site, unlike bottle or cans – so a single truck can deliver a roll of nearly a million litre cartons to the factory. Once filled cartons are lighter than cans and thus take less energy to transport, plus they are more space efficient so more can fit on a truck. Finally Tetra Pak UK claims to be carbon neutral company by offsetting the carbon created during travel and by electricity.

So even if the recycling option isn’t ideal, Tetra Paks do appear to save energy across the whole product life cycle. Not to mention, Tetra Paks are nearly impossible to avoid these days. So it seems the best solution is to keep these cartons out of the landfill.

A month or two ago I found a narrow box that would fit neatly between our recycling containers, and since then we've collected 19 cartons. Yesterday we rinsed the containers and then packed them into a bit of old Amazon packaging. Then I printed out the special labels you can find here. (The platypus tells them they can throw the box straight in the shredder.)

Mr Goldfish popped down to the post office, and it cost us £2.16 send them on their way to become something new. We wanted to post things now so we could get an idea of the cost, but next time I think we could wait longer and pack more cartons in the box which will hopefully bring down the postage cost per carton. We may also look at the boxes we're posting them in to see if we can reduce the weight.

Can you recycle Tetra Paks in your area? Are there other things you wish you could recycle?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

11:11 11.11.11

2011-11-16T12:54:00.000Z

Star light, star bright,
The first star I see tonight;
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.

Though it's a bit silly, I've always made wishes. I can't help thinking that simply having hope is more likely to make your dreams come true.

In high school my best-friend used to make a wish whenever she saw the clock read 11:11, and over the years it's a habit I picked up. Now if 11:11 is lucky, surely making that same wish on the 11.11.11, would give it an additional boost.

I wished for our luck to change.

I wished for the child we've been desperately trying for. I wished for my appeal to be approved and give us just a bit of room to breath. I wished for Mr Goldfish to find a brilliant new job. I wished for direction, purpose and faith.

I wished for everything to turn out as it should.

Step Down Sunday - Mooncup

2011-11-13T09:30:00.000Z

This week’s Step Down Sunday is less about doing something new, and more about sticking with changes we may not be fond of. I’ve been using a Mooncup for over three years now, but it’s so tempting to give in and switch back to tampons. Despite my irritation I’m actually a big fan of the Mooncup. It’s comfortable, reliable, environmentally-friendly and saves me money.

If you’ve never heard of the Mooncup - it’s made from soft medical grade silicone. It’s placed inside the body like a tampon, but can be used for years. You just need to sterilise it in boiling water before each period. Mooncup have won lots of awards for being an ethical company and for reducing their environmental impact across all areas of the business. And if their green credentials weren’t enough, within just three months the Mooncup pays for itself. Anytime you use it after that you are saving money!

The part I’m struggling is the extra effort. When my pain levels are high everything takes more energy and motivation. In addition to my normal pain and fatigue, I’ve recently had horrible back pain from kidney stones and some rather nasty headaches from the Clomid tablets. So the extra effort of cleaning the cup each time it’s emptied just makes the whole process more miserable.

One trick I’ve found that makes things easier is cleaning it with water, rather than wiping it clean with toilet paper. If you have a sink within reach you can just run it under the tap, but if you have a separate toilet like we do taking a cup of water into the loo with you works as well. (It’s also easier to put in if it’s wet!)

I really would recommend the Mooncup to anyone, but it does take some commitment to choose the non-disposable option.

Available in two sizes, the Mooncup is £21 from Boots or£17.95 from Ethical Superstore.

(This is not a sponsored post.)

What eco-friendly changes do you struggle with?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

Step Down Sunday - Christmas Presents

2011-11-06T09:00:00.000Z

We're running a bit late this year and have only just started our Christmas shopping. So this week we've been trying to buy eco-friendly presents for our nieces and nephews. We've found it surprisingly difficult to stick to our goal - several times we've been on the verge buying into the high street offers and presents. In the end I think we've done pretty well, finding presents that are better for the environment without feeling sanctimonious.

I immediately noticed that there are virtually no eco-friendly presents for older children. We also have an added difficulty in that we don't want to give presents with a message. It's been our choice to reduce the environmental impact of our lives - not theirs, so we need to find presents that will still appeal to mainstream kids.

The youngest were obviously the easiest, for my two year old nephew we've purchased a wooden train set by BigJigs. Though wooden toys are often lauded as being eco-friendly (and probably are better than plastic), it is quite difficult to determine if they are made from sustainable wood.

For my four year old niece we've ordered a cute monkey made from organic cotton and sustainable rubberwood by I Love My Planet. We plan to pair this adorable critter with a pair of Curious George books to give him some additional mainstream appeal.

Our next nephew is eight years old an I'm afraid here we've come up rather short. Though we've not purchased it yet, we think we're going to buy Lego. Though made from plastic, it's a toy that lasts for years and rarely gets thrown away. So while not being eco-friendly itself we're going for something that lasts a long time and gets passed on and reused.

Finally my eldest niece is eleven years old and luckily has developed an interest in painting. After days of fruitless searching for eco-friendly craft supplies I found the Bird Cafe Kit by The Little Experience a UK based company. I'm a bit dubious that the kit includes disposable painting trays and such, but it seems highly recommended by several eco-stores.

I think we've done well to resist the easy options so far, but as we move on to the adults I think it will be much harder.

(This is not a sponsored post.)

Do you have any eco-friendly present suggestions?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

Halloween

2011-11-03T19:29:00.001Z

Halloween snuck up on me this year. When I opened the door to find cute trick-or-treaters on my door step, I thanked my propensity for forward planning and dashed to the pantry for the large bags of Monster Munch I’d bought weeks before in anticipation.

Normally I find Halloween in the UK disappointing. The stores may import more and more Halloween products, but it just doesn’t have the same meaning and experience. Halloween is a community event in Canada. Virtually everyone participates and it’s an opportunity for creativity, sharing and includes people of all ages.

I believe this was my first Halloween costume. Mum made my costume and dressed me up as a witch - even going so far as to give me fake warts! My next costume was an infamous bunny rabbit. Again it was home-made and it was a brilliant costume for the Canadian autumn. You could fit jeans and extra layers under the costume for warmth and it even had built in mittens! However my mum was rather sneaky and put the biggest turn-ups you’ve ever seen on the legs. It left plenty of room to grow, and after wearing the costume for few years I was sick and tired of being a cute fluffy bunny.

Since then I’ve worn many costumes over the years from a shinymermaid and fiery fairy to a creepy grim reaper – even a rather embarrassing StarTrek uniform, but after moving to Britain I’ve pretty much given up on theholiday. So imagine my surprise this year! We had about fifteen trick-or-treaters, all in proper costumes and oftenwith their parents. They were all politeand cheerful - and it felt just like being back home! I suddenly remembered the magic and excitement I used to feel as a child.

I may have been the one giving out snacks, but I think I receivedthe best treat of all.

Step Down Sunday – Seasonal Veg

2011-10-30T09:00:00.000Z

One of our big goals is to reduce the carbon-impact of our food. Now that we’re shopping in the local farm shop each week, we have more opportunity to eat seasonal veg. Seasonal vegetables can be grown locally, so there are fewer transportation miles. A significant portion of our carbon footprint is created by shipping food half-way across the world so we can eat it all year round.

I'll admit this all sounds good in theory, but to be honestI’m not really that adventurous when it comes to food. Growing up we’d eat potatoes, carrots, broccoli,tomatoes, celery, iceburg lettuce, and green beans. I’ve stretched myself out to chickpeas,cauliflower, and all types of lettuce, but beyond that I tend to struggle. It’s not that I don’t want to try new things,I just don’t know what to do with them most of the time.

So I was thrilled when we discovered how easy it is to cookLittle Gem Squash! One gourd is theperfect size to split between two people, and you can store them in thecupboard for about a month. It’s so easyto prepare I thought I’d share the recipe:

Little Gem Squash

Wash the outside of the squash.
Then use a heavy knife to cut the squash in half.
(Mr G. has finallyfound a use for our cleaver!)
Scoop out the seeds with a spoon.
Trim off the stalk and base to they’ll sit flat on yourbaking tray.
Coat with olive oil and sprinkle with salt.
Roast at 200°C for 40 minutes

That’s it! Just popthem straight onto your plate. The rindacts as a bowl and you can easily scoop the flesh out with your knife & fork. A perfect side dish for these autumn months,Little Gem Squash are an easy and tasty addition to you meal.

Do you have any seasonal veg recipes?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

End of a Dream?

2011-10-24T16:05:00.000+01:00

Once the relief of not having cancer had worn off, I startedlooking at the path ahead. We have twocycles of the Clomid left, but I don’t hold much hope in that now. Suddenly IVFfeels like it’s looming over my future, and the prospect is so much moreterrifying since that needle biopsy test I had to check for cancer.

See when I was a very young child I had an allergy scratchtest done, twenty-five needles in my back. It may not have been so bad, but thenurse would only do one or two at a time before disappearing to answer thetelephone. She dragged the process out so long that I’ve been traumatised eversince.

Unfortunately facing my fear doesn’t make it anybetter. This year alone I’ve had morethan 15 blood tests, 7 injections, 2 biopsies and that doesn’t count anythingthat happened when I went into hospital. Whatever strength and reserve I had for facing my fears is feeling thinand fragile at the moment.

To go through with IVF you’re committing to injections everysingle day, with additional blood work just for fun. I have no idea how I long I could face that withoutsuffering a complete anxiety breakdown. Eventhough our health trust pays for two cycles, I suspect I’ll be lucky to make itthrough one. So with Clomid lookingfutile and IVF looking doubtful, last week I started looking into adoption.

After reading several websites, it seems like there’s nopoint in even applying. One site waslooking for people with lots of extra energy, so my chronic pain & fatigueexcludes me. Another suggested that theyexcluded those with a history of mental health problems because the process isso stressful. Others implied you’d onlybe able to adopt if you’d take siblings or disabled children, which I wouldlove to do, but the a fore mentioned pain and fatigue makes that prospect evenmore daunting. And of course you’d haveto wait a year after completing your medical investigations into infertilitybefore even enquiring. Oddly enough itsounded like having IVF was a requirement before you could apply - simplydeciding not to have it didn’t sound like an option. I understand these rules are in place for areason, that logically they are trying to offer the best opportunities for thechildren in their care, but it does leave me without hope.

Suddenly I feel at the end of our journey. I know there is still a sliver of a chance inthe Clomid and IVF, but I no longer believe in it. And I don’t know how to continue through theprocess when everything feels so hopeless.

Step Down Sunday – Radiator Valves

2011-10-23T09:00:00.000+01:00

Sometimes stepping down is as simple as asking for help.

For a few months now we’ve noticed our radiators have beengetting hot even though the radiators are turned off and our heating isn’tturned on. We can’t really afford tocall out a repairman, so we’ve been searching the internet for solutions. Mr Goldfish has since learned a lot about centralheating, but nothing that would cause this problem.

It was only when we mentioned it to my father-in-law that theradiator valves were suggested. Apparently it’s more common for the pin in the valves to get stuck inthe closed position, but in our case the heads were so old they couldn’t push thepin down to close the valves anymore.

Mr Goldfish didn’t even need tools to remove and check theheads. It turned out at least four of our valve heads needed to be replaced. Mr Goldfish did slightly cheat on thesolution. He didn’t want to drain thesystem to replace all the valves, so a bit of Googling revealed that our old BritishGas valves were re-branded Drayton ones so we simply bought new heads that could fit ourold valves.

So for £40 we’ve fixed the radiators and we’ll save energyand money on our heating bill this year.

Have you been making any eco-friendly changes before turning the heating on?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

A Hard Week

2011-10-17T09:00:00.000+01:00

This has been an unbelievably hard week.

It started with a long torturous wait for my test results. When the doctors first mentioned cancer I wasn’t too worried; I knew the odds were in my favour. But after a couple of days I also remember just how bad my luck has been over the last year. I had this creeping feeling that it would obliterate our last chances of having a family.

But the night before my hospital appointment we found something new to worry about – my cat started spinning. It sounds comical, but Mac was compulsively turning in tight little circles. He’d finally settle for just a moment before getting up and circling again. I didn’t know what to do. He didn’t seem distressed, in fact he was purring like mad, loving the extra attention I was giving him. By the time Mr Goldfish got home from work Mac was perfectly fine.

Unfortunately it wouldn’t last, he started circling again as we went to bed. We stayed up with him until he finally settled and decided to call the vet first thing in the morning. By 6am Mac was really distressed, the circling was finally causing him trouble, as he got stuck walking around & around the scratching post. His left side was obviously weak, causing him to stumble and he wasn’t purring any more. We suspected he’d had a stroke. He was so poorly and miserable, by the time we left for the vets I was convinced he wouldn’t be coming home. I was completely distraught, crying in the vet’s waiting room.

I turns out that my lovely cat has hyperthyroidism like me. I was so relieved when we were sent home with handfuls of tablets and my friendly, cuddly cat safely tucked in his basket. He’s still not feeling brilliant, but he’s come on leaps and bounds since that night!

Oh, and those cancer tests? I’m all clear.

Step Down Sunday - Christmas Cards

2011-10-16T09:00:00.000+01:00

I love Christmas, but it is hard to ignore how much waste we
create this time of year. But Step DownSunday isn’t about giving up the things we love, but finding new and better waysto do them.

With so many friends and family overseas, I send quite a fewChristmas cards. It can be difficult keeping in touch with even close friendsover the miles and time zones, so Christmas cards are a way of saying that we’restill thinking of them - even if we haven’t spoken in a while. At the same time I can’t help but see thewaste in sending cards that will be thrown away after just a few weeks.

So I came up with a plan to reduce the environmental impact ofour Christmas cards. First I identifiedwhat was important: obviously there was the holiday message, but Christmas cardsare also used as decorations so the pretty picture is important too. At this point I had a clever idea which wouldmore than half the material costs! Instead of sending a traditional card wecould send Christmas postcards. It useshalf the cardboard and doesn’t need an envelope. (The envelope was anotherconcern as not every where recycles them.)

I was a bit surprised that no one sells Christmas postcards, but I found several places where you could print your own. I choose VistaPrint in the end as they were affordable and could print on 100% recycled card. I found a free Christmas printable on the internet, added a simple Merry Christmas to the back and as a final flourish added a footnote: “This year we’re sending recycled Christmas postcards to help reduce our carbon footprint.”

I’ve been anxiously awaiting their arrival since I orderedthem, and I’m quite happy with the result. We did need to place a large order of ahundred cards, but we can use them over few years or we sell some of them at costto other people who like the idea.

There are still ways our Christmas postcards could beimproved like using paper from a wind powered paper mill or a printer who use vegetable inks, but I thinkthis was a good start.

Do you have any eco-friendly Christmas ideas? Join the Step Down Sunday:

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

(And if you're interested in a pack of ten cards for £2 - let me know in the comments!)

Mumsnet Miscarriage Care Campaign

2011-10-15T15:06:00.000+01:00

I’ve seen mention of Mumsnet’s Better Miscarriage Care Campaign for a few days now, but I’ve been scared of investigating more. For me October 15 isn’t just Baby LossAwareness Day – it was also my due date. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel, but I’m actually okay. It doesn’t hurt nearly as much as I expected,but I’ve been wary of torturing myself unduly by reading blogs about othermiscarriages when mine is still fresh in my mind. It was only after I stumbled acrossVBinCatalunya’s post that I felt maybe I should add my voice.

Overall I feel a great debt to the NHS for saving my lifethat day. The emergency room andcritical care teams were completely and utterly brilliant. I did have problems on the ward, but I knowthey were stretched and understaffed. Ingeneral I felt most of the nurses were trying to help as best they could, andat least I wasn’t surrounded by newborns. So all in all I’m very grateful, but there was just one episode I foundvery upsetting.

A day or so after the operation for my ruptured ectopicpregnancy the junior doctor came around with a form. Because we’d lost the pregnancy so early, atjust 8½ weeks, they needed to check and make sure it definitely was a pregnancyand not some type of tumour. They neededmy written consent for this because it was ‘Reproductive Material’. I understand all this and didn’t have troublesigning the form, but the second part stopped me in my tracks.

They wanted to know if they could dispose of the material asthey were finished with it, or did we want it held until all the material couldbe disposed of together. Apparently a fewof the tests would need slides which would take a few weeks to come back.

I had no idea how to answer this. You’ll notice that tillnow I’ve never mentioned the word baby. In the aftermath of the surgery we didn’t quite feel like we’d lost ababy, as we knew it had never been viable in the first place – but this formsuddenly made me question that assumption. Should I be mourning the death of our baby? I had images of this tiny baby that wasnearly impossible to see being cut up into slides...surely there wouldn’t bemuch left to keep? And how are theygoing to dispose of it? If it’s going to be thrown in an incinerator with otherbiological matter does it matter if it’s kept all together? I assume they ask because people feel it’s alife or a child, but if you think that way wouldn’t you want to bury it, notjust let some stranger dispose of it? But that wasn’t an option I was given.

I felt like I was being faced with a huge decision I mightregret forever. Not to mention it wasn’t just my baby, it was our baby. I was being asked to make a decision that wasobviously desperately important to some people - without my husband’s input. I suspected he’d take a scientific ratherthan spiritual approach to things and say they could throw bits out as theywere finished rather than spend extra effort trying to keep it all together...butI didn’t know that for certain.

By this point I’d started thinking out loud a bit to buymyself some time. Logically I didn’t seehow keeping our ‘reproductive material’ together was going to make adifference, but I wasn’t being asked for a logical answer. I was being asked tomake an emotional decision I was completely unprepared for.

As I stared at the form the doctor said ‘Just pick which youprefer, it doesn’t matter which.’ And Ithought...If it doesn’t matter why are you asking me? If it makes no difference couldn’t you keepall ‘reproductive material’ together till disposal rather than blindside womenwho’ve already had a traumatic experience? In the end I decided to have the material kept together. I felt like I might be being silly, but atleast I couldn’t regret my decision.

While I’m sure they were trying to be helpful with these forms, I felt like I’d had an emotional rug pulled from underneath me. I don’t understand why I needed to make an immediatedecision, why I couldn’t have my husband’ssupport in making this choice, and why they needed to ask these questions inthe first place if it ‘doesn’t matter’. Instead they set off an emotional upheaval where I had to question my own feelings and wonder if I was a bad person for not mourning a child we'd never had.

I don't think I'm ready to read other people's stories yet, but @mmelindor is hosting a blog hop over at Salt & Caramel and I'm sure she'd love your support.

Collections

2011-10-10T15:43:00.000+01:00

This week Sleep is for the Weak asked us to thinkabout collections. I’m afraid feel a tadguilty about my collection, see I have a passion for tableware specificallyEmma Bridgewater china. It’s a bit unquakerlyto buy things just because they are lovely, but at least these are practical.

In fact there are several reasons to love Bridgewater china,it’s hand-made in Stoke so there’s very few transportation miles. It supportsBritish workers and designers, and even though it’s expensive - it means the cost hasn't been artificially reduced (often at the cost of the planet or foreign workers). And finally because it’s collectable itshould always have value. It’s not thetype of product that will end up in the rubbish; instead it can be sold orpassed on to someone else who will love it.

I’ve received most of the pieces as birthday, Christmasand anniversary presents. I love the bold patterns and how they can be mixed and matched. While they aren't our everyday tableware, I love any excuse to bring them out and they've become a traditional part of our Thanksgiving dinner! I still feel a bit guilty aboutmy Bridgewater collection, but I try to remember just because something is expensive doesn’tactually make it bad.

Step Down Sunday - Farm Shops

2011-10-09T09:00:00.000+01:00

A lot of reducing our carbon-foot print seems to be dependenton how we spend our money. Currently foodis the biggest regular purchase we make (ignoring bills). We’re hoping that bychanging the food we buy, we can reduce things like transportation miles, excesspackaging and buy more organic produce.

I was surprised to learn that buying organic actuallyreduces your carbon-footprint. I’dassumed since it doesn’t maximise the number of crops that can be grown in a fieldthat it would be seen as wasteful. Infact organic farming helps trap carbon in the soil keeping it out of ouratmosphere. (For anyone who thinks thatsounds alarming: CO₂ is naturally found in the earth and is part of the CO₂lifecycle, but recently the proportion in the ground has dropped while a greaterproportion is now in the air).

Image from: http://www.farmingfutures.org.uk/resources/carbon-cycle-farm

One of the easiest ways to make an impact is to get out ofthe supermarkets. We’re very lucky thatthere are a few farm shops within about 3 miles of us. First we visited Red Bank Farm Shop. When you arrive youcan easily forget what you came for as you park in front of several aviaries. It seems that a local bird of prey company, Hawks R Us, also runs from the site, specialising in weddings where a barn owl delivers your wedding rings. (I could not make this stuff up!) But, if you can pull yourself away from thebirds, you find a small charming farm shop.

Red Bank Farm Shop

Our main disappointment was that Red Bank Farm primarilyfocused on meat. As I’ve been vegetariansince I was fifteen and Mr Goldfish gave up meat in January for environmental reasons,this isn’t very helpful. They didhowever sell some Chinese sauces which might be useful.

Kenyon Hall Farm Shop

Next we tried Kenyon Hall Farm, which was exactly what wewere looking for. A combinedpick-your-own farm and farm shop, they had a wonderful range of vegetables andstaples. They carried a huge range ofSuma products! If you’ve never encounteredSuma, they are ethical and environmentally friendly specialists in Vegetarian, Organic, and Fairtrade food. There were also somebrilliant creative ideas, like frozen fruit or vegetable mixes you could buy bythe scoopful!

1st: brocolli, cauliflower, bean, carrot mix 2nd: potatoes, tomatoes, mushrooms & courgette 3rd: breaded mushrooms

This weekend we celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving and we were able to buy a brilliant range of locally grown vegetables. There is locally grown romanesque, purple sprouting broccoli, harlequin & onion squash as well as English grown celery, carrots and parsnips. (I can't remember where the potatoes and cauliflower were from.) We were also able to buy fresh double cream and Dove Farms digestive biscuits for my favourite white chocolate cheesecake. A brilliant opportunity to start buying local, our meal will celebrate both the holiday and our commitment to Stepping Down.

It will take some planning, but really I hope we’ll be able to buya lot more of our food from the Kenyon Hall Farm Shop rather than keep giving our money to Tesco.

What changes have you made to your life to reduce your carbon-footprint?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

October 15th

2011-10-07T16:14:00.000+01:00

Coincidence: It's what the universe does for fun.

~~@~~

So Twitter tells me October 15th is National Baby Loss day.

October 15th was also going to be my due date, before my ectopic pregnancy ruptured.

And October 15th is test day, when I should find out if the Clomid has worked this month or if I'm still not pregnant.

And just to add to the fun: It's only two days after I'll get my needle biopsy results, which have a 10% chance of coming back as cancer.

I think I'm in need a good laugh, how about you?

Social Competitions

2011-10-05T13:19:00.000+01:00

I understand that companies run competitions to get yourattention. You trade your contactdetails for the opportunity to win something cool. But there is a new trend that is driving meup the wall.

I’ve seen more and more competitions that require you to ‘Follow’them on Twitter and ‘Like’ them on Facebook. Surely the point of social networks is that you can control how youinteract with people. So why are companies and blogs forcing you on to bothplatforms?!? It’s not like you get differentinformation in each channel, instead you just get spammed twice as much. After reading the same messages over and overI just feel irritated, which surely isn’t the intention. It’s certainly not helping their brand image.

Just as an aside, I don’t even understand this constantchasing after followers. How does ithelp to get followers only interested in the free prize? Does the quality of your followers really notmatter? Does your message really gofarther if no one is actually reading it?

I don’t claim to be a social media expert, so maybe I’mwrong, but personally forcing me to interact with your brand - on your terms - doesn’tmake me ‘Like’ you more.

Step Down Sunday - Recycling Bins

2011-10-02T09:00:00.000+01:00

One of our main priorities when making changes to our lifeis that they be sustainable. There’s nopoint in making quick changes if in a few weeks we’ll give up in frustration. We really want to integrate this environmentallyfriendly behaviour into our lives. So myfirst project isn’t that impressive, but I’m enormously excited by it.

We’ve been recycling for years, but we’ve never found asystem that works for us. First we tried using the materials supplied by ourcouncil, but that soon failed. In StHelens we’ve been given an assortment of recycling containers that are all too big (and ugly) to be kept in the house.

· Black Box – For Cans & Glass

· Blue Plastic Bag – For Paper

· Red Woven Plastic Container – For PlasticBottles Only

· Green Wheelie Bin – For Green Waste & Cardboard

· Brown Wheelie Bin – For Non-Recyclable Waste

So we next tried a set of stacking containers from Tesco. While they look reasonable, we had a range ofproblems with them. First they wereawkward to empty. It took more energy topull everything out them than it did to fill them in the first place. Our second problem was that they only fit inthe utility room. We have a big bully ofa cat who needs to be locked away while he eats. This means that it’s a hassle toget to the recycling bins during meal times. Instead the recycling would build up on the counters making a clutteredmess.

So now I’ve come up with a new solution with these IKEArecycling bins. I’ve pulled out all the cleaning products from under the sink and replaced them with three bins: onefor Glass & Cans, one for Plastic Bottles, and one for Cardboard. I’ve marked the bins with electrical tape to distinguish them. The bin hold a surprising amount of stuff, but are still easy to empty into the council approved recycling receptacles. The final part of my plan is to build a box I’ll attach to the back of the cupboard door for those must have kitchen cleaning items.

By making better use of my kitchen space, I’ve stopped therecycling from taking over the house. Thisreally is a big change for us and since I’ve been excited every time I foundsomething to recycle! Now we just needto reduce how much recycling we produce.

What changes have you made to your life to be more eco-friendly?

If you'd like the code for the Step Down Sunday badge or to learn more about it, go to the Step Down Sunday page.

Blackpool

2011-09-28T21:00:00.000+01:00

I know Blackpool has earned a reputation for obnoxious hen parties & tacky seaside tat, but I have a soft spot for this mocked town. For me Blackpool is full of hidden gems. Where else in the country can you ride historically listed faire rides like the Steeple Chase, the Flying Machines, the Derby Racer & Alice in Wonderland? The historic North Pier let's you step back through time, and the Blackpool Illumination capture that childhood sense of wonder.

We're lucky, for us Blackpool is an easy dayout. Last weekend I was invited to tagged along with my in-laws to see the Illuminations. I was impressed with the new beach front and took some glorious photos from the Centre Pier. I love walking along the beach paths, the still horizon combined with the sound of incoming waves stills something in my heart.

The only disappointment of the day was on the walk back. We started from the town centre and planned to walk past the tableues on our way back to the car. Half way through they closed the footpath around a new tram stop. Rather than direct us across the road we were detoured BEHIND the display! Once on the detour there was no way to return to the road. We missed many of our favourites like the Four Seasons, Five & Twenty Blackbirds, and the looping motorcycle.

I understand that construction can't be helped, but surely they could have had us across the road so we'd still see the Illuminations. The current solution just leaves people angry and disappointed.

Step Down Sunday

2011-09-25T16:30:00.000+01:00

Every year hundreds of Quakers from around the country gather together for business and worship that leads our community forward; this event is called Britain Yearly Meeting. Held at the end of July, this year's big topic was sustainability. After the week long event, Yearly Meeting came to a bold conclusion:

We can no longer ignore the fact that our planet is finite. We have not only inherited the earth from our ancestors: we have borrowed it from our children and from their children.

With joy, our Yearly Meeting has made a commitment to becoming a low carbon sustainable community. The time to act is now. We need to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide we produce. We are called to challenge the values of consumer capitalism. Between us we have already made changes with which we are comfortable: now is the time to make uncomfortable changes. Yet through transformative action we have much to gain: a simpler life can be a richer life.
Excerpts from the Britain Yearly Meeting Epistle 2011

I'm actually excited by this decision, as it's an opportunity to do what we know is right. But I can't say it's not scary, some of the numbers I've seen kicked around are calling for a 70% cut in our carbon emissions! That would be a drastic change in our lifestyle. Plus many of the quick changes you can make to your life and your home have a significant cost we just can't afford.

My local Quaker meeting in Warrington has come up with a simple plan to help us achieve our goals. We're calling the program Step Down. It's based off two Chinese Proverbs:

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. - Chinese Proverb

It is better to light one candle than curse the darkness. - Chinese Proverb

So rather than be overwhelmed by the problem we face, we're starting with small steps. Everyday is filled with decisions that impact our environment, and if at each of those junctions we make even a slightly better choice over time we'll change our lives.

So I'm starting Step Down Sunday. Each week I'll post a step we've taken to live a more eco-friendly lifestyle. Big or small each is a commitment to our goal.

I'd love to see you get involved and join us, but if not that's okay. This isn't about telling other people how to live, it's about giving people hope. By changing our lives, maybe we can make it easier for others to change theirs.

Guilty Pleasures

2011-09-22T22:31:00.000+01:00

When it comes to guilty pleasures, there is nothing more lovely than a Starbucks toffeenut soy latte. Unfortunately it's a seasonal product, so until I convince the world it's perpetually Christmas I'll have to make do with Vanilla instead. But really it's not the taste that makes me buy their outrageously priced coffee. I love coming into Starbucks with it's hum of activity and curling up in one of their comfy chairs. In a world where everything causes me to ache, it's the only place I can go and feel normal.

Today was definitely a day for guilty pleasures. It started early, we left the house at 7:00am just to get to my mystery hospital appointment at 9:00. The waiting room was covered in MacMillan Cancer posters, which didn't bode well. I was weighed and measured, gave yet another medical history...to find out nothing.The consultant wasn't in today. While cancer is only a slim possibility, the nurse couldn't really tell us what they were testing for. Instead she sent us for another Ultrasound, a needle biopsy and more blood work.

We sat in the Ultrasound department for two hours! By the time we were called I had tears streaming down my face from the pain in my joints. When I hobbled into the room I didn't even care that it was full of people. There were two people working the ultrasound, and two men slouching by a desk. It was only at the end that I discovered at least two of them were doctors. Apparently while I'd been waiting they'd been debating my treatment. They decided to check with the consultant (who wasn't in this morning) before performing the biopsy. Our two hour wait suddenly felt like a waste of time.

But we weren't finished yet! Next we had to dash to the phlebotomy department and join a queue of forty people! In all fairness, phlebotomy my be my favourite department in any hospital. They are always brilliant. They don't fuss about my needle phobia and they are quick, efficient and professional.

Finally after four hours we escaped and made a mad dash to my Optician appointment, which was booked weeks before this strange hospital appointment appeared.

The end result is we still don't know what's going on. There seems little cause to panic just yet, but my case is still being handled behind the scenes, by doctors I've never met, in a hospital that never has my notes, and where one hand never knows what the other is doing. It's hard to feel confident about the situation.

Unexpected Phone Call

2011-09-20T15:20:00.000+01:00

This wasn't the post I was planning for today, but I've just received a phone call that's set my world off kilter.

My next thyroid hospital appointment was set for October 3rd. After my last test in early August I hoped they might act a bit quicker, but after a few weeks of silence I figured they weren't concerned by my results.

I just received a phone call from the Liverpool Royal's Linda McCartney Centre asking me to attend an appointment on Thursday morning. I was surprised, as it was a different consultant and in a different department but nothing about my treatment has gone smoothly. I didn't think much of it till I started looking for a hospital map.

The Linda McCartney building is the hospital's cancer centre.

Logically I know that there could be a hundred other reason for the appointment. They may just want to check it isn't cancer. It may be that all thyroid surgery is run through the cancer department as they are specialists. It maybe that this doctor is the most experienced thyroid consultant, and I've been referred because I'm awkward.

But I'm still a bit freaked out.

Closing Down or Opening Up

2011-09-16T17:51:00.001+01:00

It's taken six days, but I finally have an answer: the Clomid hasn't worked this time.

I've found it incredibly difficult to blog the last couple of weeks. I spend so much time smothering my emotions so I won't be hurt when the bad news comes, that there's nothing left to share. I throw myself into books (I've read twelve books in the last month, so about three a week) trying to drown out the speculation and worries running through my head. To write you're opening up yourself to other people, but how can you when you're desperately trying to hide from yourself.

The Internet is Dangerous

2011-09-12T14:50:00.000+01:00

So we’re entering the torturous final week of thiscycle. I’d been doing so well up tillnow, figuring it would work or it wouldn’t, there was no reason to obsess aboutit. But Saturday & Sunday I had spotting,which immediately set me off. I’ve oftenhad spotting about four days before my period in the past, so it could be asign that things haven’t worked. Howeverit was also 9 days after ovulation and a bit different than normal, so it couldbe implantation.

I managed to ignore it for a while, but Sunday I also had asore throat. Mr.G made the fatal mistakeof searching the internet to see if sore throats may be a sign ofpregnancy. There was an awful lot of anecdotalevidence, but that means pretty much nothing. You can search the internet for virtually any symptom and be told you’repregnant. He also noticed peoplecomplaining about running noses too, which I’d been irritated by thatevening. (It felt like an allergicreaction to me, so I’d been trying to think of what I may have been exposed tothat day.) I finally told him about thespotting and checked the calendar to see how many days it had been sinceovulation. Of course after that I feltlike I had stomach cramps, so by the end of the evening I was convinced it hadworked.

I was so angry with myself; I know better than to get myhopes up. Even with the Clomid, the oddsfor any one cycle had dropped significantly because I only have one fallopian tubenow. The chances it would work the veryfirst time are slim, but I still woke up this morning convinced. (Also doesn’t help that I feel completelydrained too.)

As the morning has gone on I’ve been slowly coming to mysenses. Realistically I probably have abadly timed cold. My sore throat isfeeling better today, but the irritation has left me with a slight cough. Though I can breathe clearly I suspect theproblem is sloshing around in my sinuses, and the fatigue is just because I’mill. Those conveniently timed cramps,they were probably psychosomatic.

Now I just need to wait another four or five days to besure. Until then I wonder how many more times I’ll go through this rollercoaster process.

Manchester Baby Show

2011-09-04T20:02:00.000+01:00

I really wasn’t sure what to expect when I volunteered to gothe Manchester Baby Show for Emma’s Diary. I started to get really worried when I registered for the free tickets;they wanted to know if I was pregnant, the partner of someone pregnant, orthe friend, mother, grandmother of someone pregnant. In the end I selected ‘Other (ex. Trade)’,but I wondered if this was really an event for me. Let me assure any other people still tryingto get pregnant, the Baby Show is certainly worth a look.

Maybe I’m a bit odd, but I started planning for a babyyears before we started trying. I knewhaving a baby would be difficult with my health problems, but the rightequipment could make a real difference. The Baby Show is a brilliant opportunity to get expert advice and tryproducts for yourself.

Our first stop was the MAM stall as I’d pre-registered for afree self-sterilising anti-colic bottle. The MAM Bottle is a really clever product, perfect for while on thego. Rather than lug a big steriliseraround with you, the bottle disassembles into a mini steamer. Measure a bit of water in the lid and thenpour it into the base. Place the teat inthe base and loosely place the bottle body over the top. Then pop it into the microwave for 3 minutes,that’s it! In addition is has a silkysilicone teat that hopefully makes switching between breast and bottle easierand there is a vented base that helps prevent colic. It looks like a greatidea, though it will be a long time before we can try it out.

The next stall to catch our attention belonged to Scottishcompany Planet Tots. They specialise in eco-friendly baby clothes and toys. Wehad a long chat about their lovely organic bamboo clothes, which have a lowercarbon-foot print than organic cotton. They also had a lovely Oobicoo Doll made from recycled and recyclablematerials. The gorgeous plush is thesize of a six month old baby, so can be dressed in your old baby clothes.Rather than come in a cardboard box, each doll comes in a green fabric ‘pod’ sothere’s no packaging waste either. Nowthat Quakers have decided we’re going to be a low-carbon community, Planet Totsis a company I’ll keep in mind.

We finally got down to business at the ItsABaby.co.uk stall.They had a huge number of pushchairs and fantastic friendly assistants. A couple of years ago when I started lookingat pushchairs only the Bugaboo Chameleon really fit our requirements. I needed a really tall handle to protect myback, it needed to be really light-weight, both parent and forward facing, andsuitable from birth. My problem with theBugaboo is that you seem to be paying extra to be fashionable. So I was hoping I’d find some pushchair alternativesat the Baby Show. We were quicklyreferred to the UPPABaby Vista, which was brilliant! It’s an eco-friendly design that doesn’t feelsignificantly heavier and is virtually as tall. It comes with a both a carrycot and a seat, so you can quickly switch them back and forth and when theseat is facing forward you can collapse the chair in a beautiful smoothmotion! The chassis can even stand up byitself, so I won’t need to bend over to pick it up. So many of the same benefits as the Bugaboowhile not costing as much, the UPPAbaby Vista is just what I was looking for.

My final highlight is the Babymule Baby Changing Bag. I’m not great at carrying heavy bags, soI need something I can adapt day-to-day. The Babymule’s clever design means you can carry it in several ways. Youcan clip the bag to your pushchair, you can sling the bag over your shoulderlike a messenger bag or you can wear it as a back pack. Specially designed for women, the backpackstraps are shaped for a woman’s figure and there is even a hip belt to helpcarry the weight. When not in use thestraps are tucked away in special pockets of the bag. Also included in the bag is a changing mat, achanging pouch, a neoprene insulating bottle cover and a water proof bag fordirty cloths and clothes. Even with all this there’s still room for a packedlunch and more. A versatile bag that’s great when travelling, the Babymule retails for £84.

We were really impressed with the Manchester Baby Show, evenmy husband found enough to keep him interested. There were several stalls withinnovative products and plenty of seating in Emma's Diary Cafe for when I got tired . If we’d been ready to buy on the day we couldeasily have made up the ticket price through the special Baby Show discounts. It was a definitely worth the trip out and I’drecommend it to anyone planning for a baby. If you’re sorry you missed out, don’t worry as there are another threeshows planned: Earls Court 28-30 October2011, Excel London 24-26 February 2012 and NEC Birmingham 18-20 May 2012.

*Received free show tickets from Emma’s Diary for reviewpurposes*

Manchester Pride

2011-08-31T23:43:00.000+01:00

This weekend was a big event in the city's calendar. Manchester's Gay Pride celebrations attract people from all over the country who come together to share a week of fun and acceptance.

While this is a weekend of friendship and fun, it is still a political event. I won't pretend to know the pain and trials of LGBT experiences, but I thought I might share my own perspective.

I've been marching in the Manchester Pride Parade since I joined the Quakers three years ago. In fact, it was their attitude towards same-sex relationships which attracted me to Quakers in the first place.

For me it's simple, God is love. Anything that brings more love into this world is a good thing - no matter their gender.

I'm not gay, simply because I've not yet a woman I'm attracted to in that way (and that's unlikely to change now I'm in a happy monogamous relationship), but I do have gay friends. When you speak about their relationships and lives, it's clear they are experiencing the same love and emotions we all feel.

If the feeling and experiences are the same, how can you say that gay marriages are different? Quakers have a wonderful phrase 'For we marry none; it is the Lord’s work, and we are but witnesses.' As far as Quakers are concerned God has already been binding gay couples in loving relationships and now it's our responsibility to recognise them.

For the right joining in marriage is the work of the Lord only, and not the priests’ or magistrates’; for it is God’s ordinance and not man’s; and therefore Friends cannot consent that they should join them together: for we marry none; it is the Lord’s work, and we are but witnesses. (George Fox 1669)

We're not trying to force other religions to do the same, but currently we're legally prevented from following our religious leading. Quakers are now actively petitioning the government to change the law so we can register and perform gay marriages in exactly the same way as heterosexual marriages.

Silent Sunday

2011-08-21T00:52:00.004+01:00

More Permanent than Marriage

2011-08-19T13:43:00.006+01:00

So it’s official. I’ve renounced my citizenship, my documents finally arrived yesterday.

I am a bit disappointed; normally when you give the government lots of money you get some posh piece of decorated paper - like a passport or citizenship certificate. This time I’ve paid £276 for a few stamped photocopies. The only thing that looks real is the stamp in my cancelled passport.

It feels odd. I can’t say I’m upset it’s gone, but it’s been an integral part of my identity for years. In ways it feels like I’ve closed a chapter of my life, cutting the last strings to a past that has held me back. The years I lived there were hard and painful - and that’s okay, but surely I can now let them go.

By renouncing I’m making a choice about who I am - and I want to move forward.

Black & White

2011-08-17T11:24:00.004+01:00

Like Postman Pat I have a black and white cat; his name is Mac. He’s surprisingly difficult to photograph, so often he just looks like a strange black blob stretched across the bed or sofa. We’ve been together for ten years now, but it’s something of a love-hate relationship. Mac’s cute and extremely cuddly – but he can also be a huge pest! Don’t pay him attention immediately; he’ll go bang the kitchen cupboards. Leave the house before giving him cuddles; he’ll pull things out from under the sink. He climbs in the lap of anyone who comes to visit – whether they like cats or not! He’s pushy, demanding and a bit of a thug, but I love him anyway.

Stress, What Stress?

2011-08-16T14:19:00.004+01:00

This has been a hard month. It started with renouncing my citizenship, which was an extremely difficult decision. Then someone tried to break into our car and slashed all the tyres. Then a week after getting the car back from the garage the neighbour jams his trailer between the wall and our car causing £850 worth of damage. There’s been a fair bit of stress from the medical tests I’ve been sent for, as we’ve been giving conflicting treatment plans, and I bought a lovely second-hand dresser from eBay that turned out to need more work than advertised.

But by far the biggest worry is that the six months is nearly up. Finally the moment I’ve been impatiently waiting for is nearly here, and I’m suddenly quite scared. I desperately want to start trying for a baby, but so much went wrong last time. They’ve not sorted the hyperthyroidism and don’t seem to think it’s important. We only have four cycles of Clomid and our pregnancy chances have been cut in half. And finally I almost died last time. Though I know the same thing won’t happen again, it’s opened up all the possibilities you assume will never happen to you.

I’m sure I’ll be fine as soon as I take that first Clomid tablet, but until I commit to that decision I’ll be over here melting under all the stress.

Silent Sunday

2011-08-14T20:46:00.001+01:00

Manchester Wombles

2011-08-11T10:59:00.006+01:00

My portrait taken by the Manchester Evening News

I like this new nickname! This morning I joined people from around Manchester for the Riot Clean Up, it was really wonderful. The whole idea spoke to me as a Quaker. It was peaceful, proactive and didn’t set out to confront or condemn anyone. Granted some people did lay blame during their TV interviews, but for the most part it was a powerful statement of positive resilience. It was a brilliant expression of our anger at the riots, while also rising above petty violence to show the best of human nature.

Ironically there wasn’t much left for us to clean, the council had worked tirelessly through the night with amazing results. Sleepy commuters may not have even noticed the damage. But none the less hundreds of people took to the streets with their brooms. We wandered down Market Street, along to the Printworks and then up into the Northern Quarter before we found some glass from a smashed window. There were occasional ripped gates & broken shutters, but most of the damaged windows were already boarded up and looked remarkably civilised.

At times it was simply comical. I joined a group of about 25 who walked nearly a mile to Great Ancoats Shopping Centre in the hopes of finding a broken window. When we found one shattered pain outside JD sports, there was a polite scuffle as people jostled for the privilege of sweeping it up. It was brilliant to watch so many people working together, making new friends and making a stand. I was even lucky enough to meet MrsThrifty who also came out to help. While there may have been a shortage of work to do, a crowd of hundreds marching through Manchester city centre made an impact. The brooms inspired cheers and smiles from complete strangers the whole day. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a pretty good achievement for your average kitchen broom.

Pins & Needles

2011-08-07T21:51:00.004+01:00

The last two weeks I’ve been falling apart. My pain levels are up, my anxiety has a hair trigger and I feel like I’m trapped in skin a size too small; and I’ve got a fairly good idea why. Tuesday I’m off for a thyroid scan where they pump you full of radioactive material and take an x-ray of your neck. (I’m hoping I gain radioactive super-powers!) The problem is that they get all that radioactive goodness into you with a needle. I know it’s not a big deal; in fact I’ve had the same test done before when they wanted to check my kidneys for stones. I’m even better about needles then I was then; I mean I’ve had eleven blood tests already this year. It’s never pleasant, but I get through it without too much drama.

The problem is that last test I had done six years ago. Apparently my veins are small and tend to roll, which makes the whole process that tiny bit trickier. I was nervous and cold and laid on a hard x-ray table while the doctor attempted to inject the iodine. I locked my joints so I couldn’t flinch, but she still missed the vein. She turned to me and snapped

“You need to relax you’re making this harder for you and me!”

Not exactly the best thing to say to someone with social anxiety and a needle phobia. What exactly was I suppose to do about it? She filled a rubber glove with hot water and directed MrG to hold it against my arm to bring up the veins while she disappeared off somewhere. Luckily on the second attempt she hit the target and the worst was over.

Tuesday I’m having the same test, but I can’t have anyone with me for moral support. After the kidney stone test I came up in red itchy blotches and now the doctors won’t come near me with iodine. So this time they’re using technetium, which means I’ll be radioactive for several hours and they don’t want to expose anyone else. (After the test I’ll need to sit in the waiting room for four hours till I’m safe to release.) I understand the concern, but as someone who’s been bullied by doctors and specifically has anxiety attacks around people in authority – this has left me really concerned. I was going to go in and talk to my GP about it, but she was on holiday last week and only works Wednesday to Friday.

It looks like there’s nothing I can do but wait and hope that my fears are unfounded, assuming I don't meltdown from the stress.

Crash of the Elysium

2011-07-31T20:03:00.007+01:00

Click the image for a larger view.
Made with Scrapbook Factory Deluxe with images from
wonderingsinthefourthdimension.blogspot.com

Two weeks ago I went on an amazing adventure! We’d bought tickets for an exhibit about the crash of the Elysium. The Elysium was an 18^th century ocean liner that was tragically shipwrecked. A museum curator went through the history of the Elysium, showing us the pictures that run across the top of my collage. He also told us about Valentini’s circus which popped up next to the crash site to entertain visitors. Suddenly sirens sounded and two military officers ran into the room. They quickly had us lined up and running like mad for an unknown destination. Then Captain Solomon and Corporal Albright demanded we put on white dust suits as fast as possible and sent us running down an eerie smoky corridor till we arrive at the base of a crashed space ship.

Part of the Manchester International Festival, Crash of the Elysium is an interactive theatre experience by Punch Drunk. Designed for children between the ages of six and twelve, participants must help save the Doctor (Who) and the Tardis. There are less than twenty people in each group and new performances starts every ten minutes. Three types of show were available, a children only show, family shows where one adult is allowed in per child and special adult showings for those who can’t find children to borrow. It was one of the adult shows we attended.

It was truly brilliant! We solved puzzles, travelled through time and ran from monsters, grown women were screaming and grabbing the hands of any nearby stranger (and that wasn’t just me!) I’m not sure how much it will tour, but if you get an opportunity to see Crash of the Elysium I’d absolutely jump at it! A really unique experience, all it requires is a willingness to suspend your disbelief.

Not a sponsored post, just by a fan.

Silent Sunday

2011-07-28T10:56:00.003+01:00

A Nice Evening Ruined

2011-07-27T22:36:00.021+01:00

The plan tonight was to have a quick meal out and then come home to watch a film. The dinner part went fine, but when we arrived home we noticed that every one of our car’s tyres were flat.At first we thought it was just a malicious prank, as the valve caps had been removed, but when Mr G went out with the foot pump he discovered they’d all been slashed.

I took this photo the day we bought the car, and this is where we've parked the car in the 2 years since.

We live on an awkward little paved close, so there are about 16 houses sharing just four ‘parking bays’ (for parking bays, read turning circle – which means it’s a complete nightmare getting out of our street if there’s no space.) Rather than fight with everyone for these spaces we park round the corner on the main road, which means a walk past six houses for us.

A few weeks ago a young woman pops out of the house across the road from where we park. She asks if we can’t park somewhere else, adding some rather weak excuses that don’t quite make sense. We’ve changed where we park a few times now when people gave us good reasons, which means there’s already several place we know won’t work. So we explain and leave the car where it is.

That’s the only conversation we’ve had with a neighbour in months. I certainly hope it’s a coincidence, I’m not sure we can afford it to escalate. As it is, it’s been a very expensive episode for us. It’s a relatively new car and would cost £600 to replace all the tyres with like-for-like.

One the plus-side we’ve had opportunity to speak to one of the newer neighbours. (We’ve only spoken once before when he asked Mr G how I was doing in hospital. He’d seen the EMTs rushing me to the ambulance.) Paul’s very friendly and came out to make sure we’d seen the car tyres. He also offered to watch the car for us if we can park it on our street. So even if we found out how awful some people can be, it also gave us opportunity to meet a really lovely neighbour (though I wouldn't want to get on his bad side!)

UPDATE: We've now found additional damage which does look like someone tried to break into the car. Hopefully this means it was just a random attack.

Silent Sunday

2011-07-24T00:11:00.004+01:00

Vintage China

2011-07-21T20:36:00.008+01:00

It seems for the last few weeks I’ve been struggling to keep up, but here’s my Gallery entry even if it’s a few days late. This week’s theme is Vintage and I immediately knew what I wanted to photograph: my grandparents Royal Albert china.

I was never especially close to my paternal grandparents as I lived in Canada, but as their only grandchild I inherited the tea set when my grandfather died in 2001. It’s not an especially valuable pattern, just an unnamed Countess Set. It was probably sold as an entry level tea set, intended to be used as a second set for people richer than my family. Based on the back stamps I believe it was issued in about 1919 and then again in 1945. My set is a mix of the two, which suggests that someone in the family was a bit clumsy. Well that and there were only 5 teacups.

I don’t get much opportunity to use the china, as the set only includes small plates, but one of these days I’ll host a pretty party serving posh little sandwiches & delicious cakes.

Dear So and So....

2011-07-08T15:14:00.003+01:00

Dear Long-time Friend,

I know to you it seems like all I do is complain about being ill, but you have no idea. Compared to the pain I’m feeling, I hardly mention it. And while I realise to you doctors’ appointments aren’t important, I’ve been averaging one every two weeks the last six months. For a girl that only gets out of the house a couple days a week that’s a hefty portion of my life. For me these hospital appointments are my way of fighting for my dreams, every ounce of strength I’ve had the last few years has been invested in starting a family.

I’d love to be a fun and boisterous person with thrilling tales to entertain you, but that’s not the life I got dealt. I’m happy to listen to anything and everything you’d like to share with me, but it would be nice if you didn’t make me feel guilty for having nothing else to share other than my own experiences, boring though you might find them.

Cheers – AG

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dear lovely consultant at the hospital,

I’m so, so sorry for making your late clinic run even later! But thank-you so much for being proactive and trying to make sure I get the treatment I need. You were only expected to do an ultra-sound, but instead took a short medical history and listen to my frustrations about the horrible appointment I had last time.

Thank you for taking this to the ‘awkward cases’ meeting so we can sort this out before I start the Clomid again in September, and thank-you for saying I should have be seen by the consultant rather than the junior doctor, I now feel more confident about fighting for more appropriate treatment.

You’ve restored my confidence in Merseyside hospitals,

Love ‘The Awkward Case’

Independence Day

2011-07-04T15:00:00.003+01:00

So today is American Independence Day, and for me it has an unusual meaning this year. For in two short weeks I’ll be renouncing my American citizenship.

In no way has this been an easy decision, growing up I was taught that citizenship was the most valuable asset you could hold. It offered you the freedom to live and work in a country, without needing to jump through hundreds of bureaucratic hoops. But the responsibilities of American citizenship weigh heavy, and now that I look to start a family I don’t want to pass those responsibilities on.

It was only when I became pregnant I discovered that our child, if a boy, would have to register with the Selective Service System – which provides names for the US Military Draft. This completely conflicts with my Quaker beliefs. I’ve had people suggest that there will never be another US Draft or that my children can claim conscientious objector status, but this feels like a rationalisation. I do not support war and I cannot sign up to such a process simply because I don’t think it will affect me. Instead I’ll have to make a stand for my beliefs, though others may not understand.

I’m not sure how I missed this facet of American citizenship; I was living in the States when I turned 18. I can only assume that my male friends at the time didn’t think it was important enough to mention. I rang my mother soon after discovering this unpleasant complication and she replied “Oh I know, we’d have never moved to the States if you were a boy.” I breathed a huge sigh of relief; if my mother had these same concerns 20 years ago she’d understand my decision to renounce. I wish I had the same confidence in my friends’ reactions. I strongly suspect there will be a flurry of unfriending on Facebook if it ever comes out.

Blackpool - 10 miles

2011-07-03T22:12:00.004+01:00

The Gallery - My Weekend

2011-06-30T15:05:00.003+01:00

This weekend I attended my first Quaker Wedding. For those not familiar with Quaker ways, it's not a typical marriage ceremony.

First we settle into the silence, as we would at any meeting for worship. There is no minister or preacher leading, only people standing to speak as they feel moved. Often they speak about the couple or simply reflect on marriage in general. At some point the bridge and groom will stand and say their vows to each other and sign the wedding certificate. The worship concludes after about forty minutes with the shaking of hands. Then my favourite part, everyone who witnessed the marriage then signs the wedding certificate.

I think it's a wonderful way of bringing a community together. At least when we planned our (non-Quaker) wedding, having our family and friends there was an important part of the day. We could have just eloped, but we wanted to share the event with those important to us. I feel that the signing of the Quaker wedding certificate acknowledges that we don't just get married, we are often sharing a part of ourselves with everyone there.

We finished the day with a shared lunch, which was perfect. For me the photo captures the joy of coming together as we celebrate our lives.

Being honest

2011-06-29T14:53:00.003+01:00

Come regularly to meeting for worship even when you are angry, depressed, tired or spiritually cold. In the silence ask for and accept the powerful support of others joined with you in worship. Try to find spiritual wholeness which encompasses suffering as well as thankfulness and joy. Prayer, springing from a deep place in the heart, may bring healing and unity as nothing else can. Let meeting for worship nourish your whole life.

- Advice & Queries #10

This is passage is one I go back to time & again to remind myself it's okay to struggle. Because I do struggle; I'm usually tired, in pain, depressed and spiritually cold. It makes reaching that state of quite balance I'm searching for so difficult.

It feels like months since I achieved the magical reassurance, peace and even discovery, that I can find in the silence of meeting. Today was particularly frustrating. Between my sprained toe, the ache in my kidneys, the fibro pain in my hip and the swollen thyroid gland pressing on my throat, I was driven to distraction. Each time I accepted one pain enough to ignore it, another jumped up in its place. Like a frustrating game of whack-a-mole, I just couldn't settle into the deep silence.

After twenty minutes of frustration, someone started drilling outside our window. I've never been so glad for the harsh grating noise of construction work. While I'm sure it irritated others, the grinding noise blended all the pain into a single feeling I was finally able to ignore.

Finally I settled into the silence, only to find I couldn't reach that voice deep inside. Whether you consider it you conscience or that of god inside each of us, it is wonderful to experience. Somehow you can see the world objectively, without the cloud of our own worries and perspectives, revealing to you the path you should follow.

But I can't reach it, it's like there's a thin barrier in my way. I can feel a tension in my mind that I can't release. I take a deep breath and try to relax the knot in my mind, only to find my eyes watering. Such sadness and I can't even tell you why.

And I think that's the problem. How can I reach that voice of truth if I'm not opening myself to it completely? Instead I have an attic of emotional boxes. A collection of life's everyday obsticals that I can't change. So rather than fret, I pack them in a box, slide it out of the way and move on. But like lead weights, these boxes seem to drag me down.

So today I tried to be honest. I tried to open myself so that the 'light' could reach every corner. I imagined I was shedding the hard protective shell I hide behind to reveal my true emotional centre, with all its raw and ugly intensity.

I failed of course. Its second nature for me to put a cheerful smile on everything and a difficult habit to fight. I'm not suggesting of course that I need to solve every problem in my life, or even that I need to talk about the experiences hidden in these boxes, but perhaps I need to accept them and the difficult emotions wrapped around them.

Maybe I can't find myself and that centre I'm looking for because I'm ignoring so much of myself. Maybe I can't find my voice in my writing because I'm hiding from myself. To reach that deep restoring silence, maybe I have to honestly accept the weaknesses I'd rather just ignore.

Dark Skys

2011-06-27T21:15:00.004+01:00

I don't even know where to start. I've been feeling awful for weeks now and it's leaving a haze of frustration and anger over my life at the minute. Not that awful things haven't been happening as well...

On Monday we had a hospital appointment with the endocrinologist (because in case you missed it: I not only have fibromyalgia, hypermobility, kidney stones and IBS, I've also been diagnosed with Graves Disease). I'm not really to concerned about it to be honest. It's inconvenient and has a few unpleasant effects, but it appears to have an easy and clear treatment. It can have an effect on fertility though.

There's little point in rehashing all the details, but the gist of the story is: While I'm gobby enough to question a doctor about the whys and hows of my condition - I'm not a doctor and I'm not qualified to dictate my own treatment. By the time we left the hospital she'd made four recommendations and we'd changed everyone of them. She agreed with the changes obviously, but it completely undermined my confidence in her assessment. It didn't help she was a student doctor that had absolutely none of my notes (not even the letter the consultant - her boss - sent us summarising my treatment so far!) and she also asked some insensitive questions about my 'miscarriage'.

I was really unhappy after the hospital appointment, so made an appointment to see my GP. I suspect that my GP thinks I'm a bit more fragile than I really am. Over the last month I seem to burst into tears every time I see her, but she seems to think this is normal after the trauma of losing the ectopic pregnancy. I'm not convinced, but she might have a point. I really did get angry after the endocrine doctor asked "So, you've had a miscarriage? Was it just the one?" And when she cheerfully asked "I'd like you to have this thyroid scan, but it will mean you can't get pregnant for two months afterwards, okay?", luckily I could point out my iodine allergy which quickly scuppered that plan without a fight. Even now these don't seem like things that should upset me so, but you should have seen my GP's face as I recounted the tale. She was not impressed and suggested I could file a complaint so it wouldn't happen to anyone else.

Add to all this that I fell down the stairs and sprained my big toe minutes before leaving for the GP appointment, and I've really been feeling sorry for myself. But loads of good (and very tiring) things have been going on too. I've been on a day trip out to Ruthin, we've attended a wedding blessing ceremony, a Quaker Garden Party and have a gorgeous new espresso machine to play with - but I still feel isolated and out of step with the world, like there is no place where I belong. I feel angry that the ectopic rupture has interrupted our lives, that despite feeling better for weeks now we still can't try for another two months. I wish I had the talent of other blogs for turning such abstract pain and frustration into a pithy empowering statement on surviving life, but at the moment it just sounds like whinging even to me.

Silent Sunday

2011-06-27T15:37:00.002+01:00

The Dress

2011-06-22T21:14:00.005+01:00

A long time ago when I was young and before I became ill; I used to dance.

I adored swing dancing. We'd get all dolled up in our 1940s dresses and head straight to the dance floor. It didn't matter if you were on your own, you could always make friends quickly. During a really difficult period of my life dancing helped me stay strong. In ways it was empowering, giving me control over my life.

That was before the Fibro of course. When I moved to England I couldn't find anywhere to dance in the north. There were clubs in London obviously, but that wasn't viable. Plus once the pain kicked in dancing wasn't so easy, and I put on so much weight with the medication they gave me. All my old vintage dresses grew too small, and after a few years I eventually returned them to a charity shop for some other lucky person to find. It was heart breaking to loose everything so completely, but what could I do.

Sliding a few years forward, a friend wore a gorgeous 50s Circle Dress by Vivien of Holloway to our wedding. I was instantly enamoured; in retrospect I wish I'd bought one of these as my wedding dress. Made from new material to vintage patterns, these dresses offer all the glamour without the fragility of vintage clothing. (I also had a chance of finding one to fit my new curvy figure.) But at £70 - £80 I couldn't justify the costs, I mean where was I going to wear it?

A year later Mr Goldfish's good friend was getting married and I was desperate for a dress. For once good fortune was mine, and I managed to find the dress pictured in the spring sales - just £35. I loved it. I finally felt like a real person again; it gave me confidence. This was my perfect dress!

Ironically, I can't wear this gorgeous dress any more. When we realised we were being referred for IVF I made a huge effort to lose weight. I've lost 2 stone over the last 8 months, which means the dress is huge on me, but I still love it. I'm always tempted to go and buy another in my new smaller size.

I have friends who think I'm mad for being so passionate about a dress, but I think this dress was a first step in claiming something back something of myself.

Silent Sunday

2011-06-19T23:39:00.001+01:00

So where have I been...

2011-06-12T15:28:00.009+01:00

I would say it’s been a long hard year, but it’s only been 8 months since I last posted.

Towards the end of November Mr Goldfish’s results came back as fine. Apparently the extra vitamins and the loose boxer shorts made a huge impact on his morphology. And while this was good news, it meant I was back under scrutiny. With the stress of Christmas and also losing my Incapacity Benefit, I found I didn’t have the energy to open up and write about the weeks of waiting and stress. I was battening down the hatches, locking away the worries and pain.

We made it through Christmas and the last few tests, before being proscribed three months of Clomid. Four weeks later I crawled out of bed and took yet another pregnancy test. Groggy and half asleep, I waited the three minutes and then crawled back into bed disappointed. Ten minutes later, while I debated between indulging in a good sulk or plastering on another smile, Mr Goldfish calls in from the corridor “... You know there’s a line?” What???

I hadn't put my glasses on that morning, so I’d missed the very, very faint positive line. I was completely torn between guarding my heart and daring to hope. We took another test that day, just to see if it might be a mistake...but there it was, that slight hint of colour! The next morning we impatiently tried another test, but the line was still hard to see. Where was the really dark line you see on the commercials?? So we waited two more days, we knew we were pregnant - I just worried the faint line could mean it was ectopic or that we may miscarry. Four days after our first test the line was only slightly darker. Luckily we had an appointment booked with the doctor. She thought we were going to get the results of my thyroid test, so when I pulled out the four positive pregnancy tests she was a bit shocked.

With rather bad timing, my thyroid test showed it was hyperactive to such an extent that I had turned toxic in just a few months. While in the doctor’s office that day my pulse rate was about 142 bpm. Not a brilliant situation at the best of times, it certainly wasn’t good while pregnant. After some quick phone calls to the local hospital the GP sent us out with several sets of tablets and an urgent referral. Unfortunately, the urgent referral wasn’t exactly quick. It bounced from department to department at the local hospital before being rejected. They weren’t willing to treat the hyperthyroid condition if I was having my prenatal care at Liverpool Women's. So more referrals were made and I finally had an appointment booked for the 1st of March. I got my big plastic envelope full of pregnancy advice and had my big binder for appointments. This was really happening, I was 7 weeks pregnant.

March 11^th I was home on my own when I felt the start of an IBS attack. I ran up the stairs to the bathroom, but nothing seemed amiss. I went and sat on my bed a while waiting. Another trip to the bathroom and I was starting to feel dizzy and ill, but my stomach wasn’t budging. I rang Mr Goldfish at work to tell him I wasn’t well. It felt a bit like the first (and very worst) kidney stone pain I’d had, so I tried curling up on the hall floor with my back in the air. That just made things worse. I went to the bathroom again, still hoping that it was just bad IBS. I wouldn’t be so lucky. On returning to the bedroom I remember bouncing into the wall; I awoke to find myself lying on the floor. I rolled over and felt around, finding my bedside table just inches from my head. I now knew where I was, but I was having some difficulty moving. I climbed on the bed and rang Mr Goldfish again, telling him to come home now! I was hot and clammy and the polyester Canadian Hockey jersey was making everything worse. I managed to pull the jersey off and then didn't move for the next hour or so till the Mr got home.

With Mr Goldfish there for support I headed for the bathroom once more, but collapsed again. We didn’t really know what to do. There was no bleeding, I was conscious and talking for most of the time...I just felt really rotten. He called the hospital for advice, and they told us to call the GP for a home visit. He called the GP and they said call an ambulance.

It’s probably a good thing we did. The pregnancy was ectopic and ruptured at 8 ½ weeks. I now have the equivalent of a caesarean scar; I also lost 4 litres of blood and my right tube. In the end I received 5 units of blood, 5 units of frozen plasma and another 2 units of blood in ICU.

That was 13 weeks ago, and for the most part I’m back to normal, though we can't try again for another 3 months.

So it's back, yet again, to waiting.

Study in Red

2010-10-20T23:35:00.007+01:00

For several months now I've been coveting the new Smart Phones. Whether they're iPhones or Androids, I've fallen in love with the fabulous snapshots being created. Well, last week I finally got myself an HTC Desire and I've been dying to try it out. So with The Gallery in mind I took it on a test run:

I'm completely thrilled with the results, even though they are just quick studies, and can't wait to for more opportunities to experiment!

Living in a Time Warp

2010-10-18T16:07:00.003+01:00

I realise it’s been ages since I’ve posted, but it’s taken me quite a while to get my head back in a good place. So what has happened in the last six weeks?
First off I’m convinced we’ve moved into a parallel universe. Time has not only been dragging its heels, but it’s also been flying by at the same time. I’m lucky if I know what month it is these days, much less the actual date. To be fair, my instinctive response to endless waiting has been to keep busy, so I’ve been burying myself in family research. For weeks my living room has been lost under piles of binders and census returns for Mr Goldfish’s family. Ironically it didn’t leave much room for blogging.
Back in September we had our first appointment at Liverpool Women’s Hospital. First we had a normal appointment and an hour later we were booked in for an ultrasound. So we arrived at the hospital and checked in, I was weighed and measured before being directed to another waiting room. Here I broke out the water, trying to drink a litre of water as quickly as possible.
I was only about half way through when we were called into the nurse’s office. This felt like an interrogation of stupid questions. She asked me if I had heavy periods. I said I wasn’t sure, I figured it was about 20mL on my heaviest days. “Well it’s what you think, do you think that’s heavy?” she asked. Do I think that’s heavy?? I don’t know; I don’t sit around with my girlfriends comparing our periods! As far as I’m concerned it’s normal. She also asked if I had regular periods. I made the mistake of thinking she meant regular in length, rather than they come every month.
The worst part was the lecture though. She asked if I had a current smear test. Now I know it’s recommended that everyone have a smear test, and I know all the reasons why, but I’ve made the decision not to have one. I spend an awful lot of time in the doctor’s office as it is, I don’t want to look for additional problems. I know the type of health issues I have, they are all vague problems that make life awkward but aren’t serious enough to kill you. So I decided to skip it, all medical treatment is optional and I opted out.
I’ll admit that I have had it done before, before my Fibromyalgia was diagnosed. I’d made an appointment because sex was painful, so it’s really no surprise that I found the speculum exceptionally painful. I was told nothing was wrong and given some useless advice and dismissed in a way I would become very familiar with over the years. It’s an awful feeling, when people treat you like your whinging or lying, like your being awkward on purpose. It’s condescending and insulting, and something I try to avoid.
So it’s no surprise it got my back up when the nurse at Liverpool straightened her papers, carefully put down her pen and laced her fingers together before starting her lecture. “Well. You’ll need to get a smear test. It’s something everyone should get, ESPECIALLY before becoming pregnant.” Really? Why didn’t my doctor mention it then when I had all my pre-pregnancy blood works done? UGH!
Eventually I escaped the nurse and was sent to get more blood drawn. By this point my bladder was nearly bursting, which really didn’t help me stay calm as they tried to stick me with a needle. The first two nurses wouldn’t even try to draw my blood. They claimed I’d left my veins at home. Eventually they found an off-duty sister brave enough to try with a very tiny needle that took ages to fill the vials. My heart was racing, but I was so glad to be done.
So now running a few minutes late, we dashed across to the ultrasound department. Here we had a 15 minute very uncomfortable wait. I’m an old hand at ultrasounds after years of kidney stones, I’m used to the painful digging around in your stomach as they try to get a good picture and it’s not really a problem. Unfortunately this time it wasn’t enough and they decided to do an internal ultrasound as well. To be fair it wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected, right up till she jammed the probe into my ovary. That was enough to make my eyes cross with a gasp of pain. The technician replied “Oh it’s all right, I’m nearly done” as she continued to press painfully.
To say the least I was grumpy leaving the hospital, it took at least 15 minutes for the aching to go away as I walked awkwardly through the hospital. And it’s probably taken two weeks to get the negative feelings out of my system.
Since that appointment Mr Goldfish has had another test, and at least showed improvement, now he’s got 2% healthy sperm instead of 1%. Apparently the loose boxers have made a difference, but not enough to really change things. He’s also just submitted a sample to hospital lab, to see if they have the same conclusions. We’ll find out on the 2^nd of November.

A Phone Call

2010-09-03T16:12:00.006+01:00

Finally we have an appointment and I'm so glad we switched to Liverpool Women's Hospital!

As usual, things couldn't be simple. Our doctor's appointment had been on a Friday, and first thing Monday morning Mr Goldfish stopped in the office to change our hospital choice. (You may recall there was some confusion about what we were actually being referred for.)

After waiting two incredibly long weeks we finally got a letter...from the wrong hospital. The letter was written to 'Dear Couple' and said we'd been referred for 'possible IVF treatment' . It was cold and brusk asking about my weight, height and habits.

Mr Goldfish rang our doctor to check that this was just because we'd be referred to two different hospitals, but no. They'd never submitted our request. So last Tuesday they finally referred us to Liverpool Women's Hospital. I hated waiting another two weeks, but a delay now would be better than one later!

Imagine my surprise when today I got a phone call! A lovely lady asking when I would be free for an infertility appointment. I may get another horrible form in the post, but I was first contacted by a real person and I definitely have an appointment. All in just over a week! Hurray for Liverpool Women's!

I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is terror or excitement, but now I've got a date:

The 28th of September.

My Best Photo - The Gallery

2010-08-23T11:53:00.007+01:00

This week's gallery asks us which photo we are most proud of.

I suspect my answer changes depending on my mood and circumstances, but at the moment, this is it. Taken on Blackpool's historic North Pier two years ago, it combines a serene beach landscape with the complex detail of a Victorian cast iron bench, creating an image that feels timeless. I don't think I can really explain why it strikes me so, but every time I see it, it's a photo I want to share.

I'm sure Hollywood lies

2010-08-18T14:03:00.008+01:00

“Tell the story of a first kiss.” Oh, do I have to?? While I suspect that many first kisses are awkward, but I surely win the award for making an embarrassing fool of myself. To be honest, I don’t think I’m really that fond of kissing. Having someone that close to my face makes me very uncomfortable, and that discomfort makes me self-conscious and stiff.

My first proper kiss was when I was fifteen. I’d had a crush on a boy a year older than me for many months. While I obviously hoped he’d be interested in me, I don’t really think I believed it would happen. Eventually though he did ask me round to his house one evening to watch a film. Unfortunately we wouldn’t get that far.

I spent most afternoons at one of the many after school clubs in our high school. I knew he was at another meeting, so I loitered around the hallway hoping to casually run into him. (Why are our younger selves so embarrassing?) My plan was successful and we went for a wandering walk around the school.

He suggested we go down the stairs, which eventually lead to our cafeteria. I’d never actually used these stairs before, but saw no reason not to. Before the cafeteria were several small classrooms I’d never seen before, where the doors were set a couple of feet back, creating small alcoves. He stepped into one and called me over. In my naivety I thought he wanted to show me something posted on the door, so I was very surprised when he wrapped his arms around me.

I wish I could claim swish sophistication, but I can’t. When he kissed me...I blacked out. I assume I came back to my senses shortly after, at which point I thought “Oh my god, those are his lips!” and promptly blackout again. Eventually I somehow pull myself together and turn the kiss back into a hug. From there I make some excuses and beat a hasty retreat to the school theatre. My heart was racing as adrenaline rushed through my system, my hands shaking. A friend I ran into thought I’d taken some kind of drug. (Who knows why, as I never have.) I had just enough time to calm my nerves before my mother collected me from school, she luckily noticed nothing amiss. If you can’t guess I never went on the date. I couldn’t face him again after that.

While I’m not nearly as neurotic now, I don’t think I’ll ever escape that hint of panic I get with every kiss.

The Dock

2010-08-17T23:44:00.003+01:00

This used to be my favourite place as a child. My parents were members of a sailing club and this is the main dock by the club house.

When I was quite young I spent all my Sundays swimming off this dock. It used to be a bit tricky climbing back on to. I hated reaching into the dark water and putting my bare feet on its slimy algae covered bars before hoisting myself out of the water. I also remember hanging from the dock’s support braces, swinging like monkeys through the water.

When I was a bit older I used sit on the concrete steps looking over the lake. It was so peaceful and calm. I loved to sit there by myself and day dream, escaping from life for a while. And when darkness fell you had an uninterrupted view of the stars.

I remember long summer days with friends, diving off the dock or bouncing around in HUGE tractor tire inner tubes. I remember the year of the two inch ‘horseflies’ that sent even the teenage boys screaming into the water.

If I had to name my favourite place in the world, this would be high on my short list. I struggle to remember much of my childhood, but my memories of the lake, the sailing club and this dock always bring a smile to my face.

So, where are we now?

2010-08-10T22:25:00.007+01:00

After a long and emotionally exhausting weekend, I still don’t really know what to think, but several things have changed. On Sunday we finally told the in-laws we were trying for a baby. Till now we’ve kept quiet as we didn’t want people asking us about it all the time, but if we decide to try IVF we aren’t sure it’s something we can face alone.

Though we might be pleasantly surprised, I strongly suspect that IVF will be pure and utter hell. First off I have severe needle anxiety, which doesn’t get better, no matter how many injections I’ve had. IVF requires at 12-22 days of injections, plus the possibility of daily blood tests. I can only imagine what state I might be in after weeks of phobic stress. Added to that, the second round of injections will likely be Oestrogen. In the past, normal birth control pills have turned me into a gibbering mess, so again I can only imagine what a week’s worth of hormone injections will result in. Then after the stress of the needles and the Oestrogen possibly kicking off my anxiety and depression...they want me to go into hospital to harvest the eggs. Finally though we have some good news, because of the specific quirks of my needle phobia it’s only applies to going through skin. Because they should be going up through the vagina wall to collect the eggs it doesn’t bother me. Well, it does bother me any more than it would bother most people to have a doctor stuffing a medical tool up their bits. I’m actually more worried about the canular that goes in my arm for the sedation. I might be lucky though; my depression has always surfaced as a self destructive streak, so I may be quite happy to go into hospital. I’ve been known to schedule mole removals when depressed, as it’s a socially acceptable form of cutting. (Unfortunately the depression has usually gone by the time I reach the top of the NHS waiting lists!) Then two or three days after egg harvesting I’d expect to go back in for the first attempt at implantation. Finally, I have no idea how my Fibromyalgia may affect any of this process. None of these worries deter me necessarily, but I can’t help but think that would be a horrible strain on any marriage. Trying to face it alone and in silence seems completely mad, so we told his family.

We’ve also decided to change hospitals. Originally we were under the impression Mr Goldfish was being referred for tests so we chose a hospital near his work. While there may be some more tests, we’re now fairly certain IVF ICSI is our only option. I’ve looked at the hospital reviews online at the HFEA website (Human Fertilisation Embryology Authority) and while you really can’t compare the numbers there are some key differences. Liverpool Women’s is open an extra day on the Saturday, which I’ve read can help when trying to implant an embryo. They also do more than 3 times as many procedures, something like 1394 to 426 at the other hospital! Hopefully this might mean shorter waiting lists, but also more experience with awkward sods like me.

I think I’m going to go through with it, but the sheer number of tests terrifies me. I’ve had so many bad experiences with doctors; I don’t go on my own any more, but I’m afraid that my husband won’t be able to get enough time off. My mother-in-law has offered to come along if needed, but she’s working too.

Anyways, there’s not much we can do now until we get the consultation, but I doubt I'll be able to stop thinking about it.

Just once I wish they’d tell us straight

2010-08-06T16:40:00.002+01:00

So we got our test results today. They weren’t good.

My tests came back fine, but Mr Goldfish’s tests showed real problems. The sperm count was a bit low, but more importantly only 1% were properly formed. The doctor has immediately referred us to a Fertility Clinic at the hospital, making out that there’s a real simple and easy solution.

Her easy simple solution is IVF. Specifically ICSI, where they search out one of those few healthy sperm and inject it straight into the egg. It’s only after searching the internet for 1% morphology that I’ve realised IVF is likely to be the only answer...and god help me, I’m considering it.

The doctor just pushed us down this route without even a blink and it seems so easy to go along. Not to mention now it’s not me with the problem, IVF doesn’t seem so wrong. I think it’s related to my recent post about fate. If the problem was on my side, it would be fate telling me not to be stupid, that passing my genes on is a bad idea. But the Mr is the image of health, with no problems. I guess it doesn’t feel the same.

I’m a bit angry really. The doctor just kept telling us to be positive, implying they’d quickly solve this. For me at least IVF isn’t an easy solution. While several of my moral issues have been resolved, I still question whether it’s right to interfere with life. As the cost of the NHS spirals and expensive science can extend life so long...I wonder where we need to draw the line. Unfortunately IVF is one of the most obvious lines in my mind, and I can’t help feel a hypocrite for considering it.

Sorry, it's not a very eloquent post, but I'm not really in an eloquent place at the moment.

Writing Workshop - Fate

2010-08-03T20:42:00.007+01:00

I’ve always believed in fate, but by my own definition. I believe our lives weave a tapestry creating the world around us. I think when we are born that there is an ideal path for us to follow. Not one that will bring us blessings and fortune, but one that plays its role to tell a larger story.

We are by no means required to follow the path laid before us, in fact it’s very difficult to find. But when we can find that elusive place, the effect is quite magical. I’ve never felt luckier than when I’ve been in step with the world. There’s a surprising sense of purpose and reassurance you feel when following your path.

Unfortunately, it’s not a feeling I’ve known recently. I knew it as I wandered the streets of Italy, stumbling across recent acquaintances I never expected to see again. I knew it when I moved to England, settling into life and job faster than I expected. I knew it when I applied to Salford University, my transfer application being immediately accepted.

I may not know that feeling now, but I know I’ll keep searching till I find my way back onto the path.

Green Fingers

2010-07-30T13:49:00.003+01:00

Lately I've been sharing some of the darker and more serious things in my life, so for a change I thought I'd share something I'm quite pleased with.

I've never been brilliant with plants. I usually end up with stringy, sickly looking things, which while alive can't really be displayed. Several months ago Mr Goldfish bought me a pretty white Orchid as a present. After the flowers bloomed, the stalks withered right back and I worried that I'd killed the poor thing. I hid it in a back room and forgot about it for several weeks. I felt quite guilty when I found it again, so set myself to nursing it back to life.

I'm thrilled to say I've been successful, and here's the proof.

But that wasn't my only success! About a month ago a Friend brought some small aloe plants to meeting, looking for a good home. I took two of the brown sickly looking plants and set them on the window sill. Some gentle watering later and I've got lovely lush greens and loads of sprouts around the edges! My only problem is that I don't know what to do with them now.

Do any of you green fingered souls have a suggestion?

I have a secret

2010-07-29T23:54:00.006+01:00

I have a secret...I’ve been divorced.

It’s not that I try to hide it, but it’s a difficult thing to drop into conversation. Most of my in-laws don’t know, I mean it’s not something I’m proud of, but the thing is I don’t regret it either.

At the time getting married was the right thing to do. I felt a guiding hand that put me in the right place at the right time. I don’t doubt that my first marriage was a key step in my life, helping me through difficult times and teaching me important lessons.

But since we divorced five years ago, I’ve felt guilty. While neither of us was happy in the relationship, I was the one that eventually forced the issue. When we spilt he was going to university and would have a degree, while I couldn’t work and lived on incapacity benefits. As such I kept the flat and most of the furnishings while he walked away with most of the debt in the form of his student loans. Since then I can see that my life has improved; I’m not so sure about his. Though we haven’t spoken for years, I know he had a rough bout of depression after we split. He spent money foolishly, acquiring more debt and eventually dropped out of university. He’s bounced from relationship to relationship, and had a son along the way. They’re not together anymore, so I doubt he sees his son as often as he’d like. It’s not a life or path I’d choose, and I can’t help but feel like somehow I’ve taken advantage of him. I came out of our break up stronger and now seem in a better position.

In Meeting this week I had a revelation. I can’t judge another’s life or journey. I don’t know what lessons he may have learned and I don’t know where his life is taking him. I can’t feel guilty about my small role in his life when I can’t see the bigger picture. I have to trust that it was a step along the way for him too and leading him towards something better.

I want a bid on my eBay auction!

2010-07-29T11:44:00.001+01:00

Rather than writing about something I want, I think I’d rather write about the thing I desperately want rid of. This is the third time I’ve listed my wedding dress on eBay and each time I’ve waited with baited breath for it to sell...to no avail.

A wedding is supposed to be one of the best days of your life, but mine felt like a disappointment. I mean I was thrilled and happy to be married to Mr Goldfish, but I felt let down by several of our friends and family. It’s not worth rehashing, as it will never sound more than superficial, but since then my wedding dress has become a focus for the frustration and disappointment I felt.

The morning hadn’t started well. We had very early hair appointments, the salon had forgotten to call me back when they opened the dates in their calendar, and these were all that were left.When I got to the salon, I warned the hairdresser that my hair had completely fallen in the hour after our test appointment. I tried to explain again that you can’t dry it straight and then curl it, you have to dry the curl or wave in. So she decided to put it in curlers. I came out looking like Marilyn Monroe. The hair dresser was obviously at a loss and was just hacking the brush randomly at the back trying to get rid of the volume. I held it together till my bridesmaid leaned over and said I didn’t need to look so panicked; I immediately burst into tears. I climbed out of the chair, paid my bill and left. Once home I went straight to my room and cried.

http://www.hairstyledigest.com/tag/drew-barrymore/

Now this may not seem related to the dress, but my dress was already a compromise. Between my kidney stones and the fibromyalgia I couldn’t wear dresses with boning or fancy bras. The pressure on my skin made me nauseous and prone to vomiting, not brilliant when walking down the aisle. I was turned away from several bridal stores as soon as I mentioned the problem with boning. Eventually I found a dress in Debenhams. It was comfortable, had straps over the shoulders, no train and even better it was on sale! If I couldn’t get the dress I wanted, at least I could get it at a bargain.

I desperately tried to cling to this positive idea that I had bagged a bargain, a smart and savvy bride, but after the horror at the hair salon I just couldn’t. My hair was a mess and my dress felt frumpy, it very much felt like the Fibromyalgia had robbed me. My maid of honour...she thought I was over-reacting. There was nothing I could do about it, so I put my best face on and made the best of the day.

So left down by friends and family, feeling ugly and dismissed; even years later it brings tears to my eyes. I want to be proactive. I want to turn what was painful into something new and positive, so I’m selling my dress on eBay.

I discovered after I bought it, that the dress had been used in the Doctor Who Christmas Special. As I bought it on sale, I’m hoping that I can get my money back, put it towards something really worthwhile. Maybe I’ll add it to my baby savings account, where I’ve been squirreling away all the money I earn taking internet surveys. Use the money to buy a pushchair or to decorate a nursery. Use it to buy some luxuries I’d never justify otherwise. And if we’re never blessed with a family, maybe I’ll think of something to spend it on that will give me a small boost of reassurance and confidence that my wedding took away.

So know anyone who wants a wedding dress?

Edit July 31st : Didn't sell this time, but I've also listed it on PreLoved so there's still hope.

Northern Nature

2010-07-28T00:04:00.006+01:00

I love living in Northern England. My family has lived here for generations, and I never feel far from the countryside. Looking out over the rolling hills I instantly feel grounded, like this is where I belong. I’ve been living here more than ten years now, but getting out onto the moors, dales and lakes is a bit harder than it used to be. So I love the little pocket of nature I’ve found near our house. Walking down the path under the bridge, you never know what you’ll discover around the bend.

You can click the image for a closer look on Flickr

This post was written for Week 21 of The Gallery: Nature

Sponsored by organic chocolate maker Green & Blacks

A Leap of Faith

2010-07-26T14:31:00.005+01:00

Two years ago I began to consider joining a church, and this in itself is proof of desperation. I could feel the depression creeping closer, and while I had my own spiritual beliefs, I found that I couldn’t find strength in them by myself. Life tends to smother me and I cope by staying busy; I fill my life with noise so I can’t hear the worries and pain. It works for a while, but eventually makes things worse by crowding out sensible things like relaxing, thinking and contemplation. So I thought perhaps joining a church would force me to embrace my own beliefs give them the structured time they deserved.

It was never a question of belief. I’ve always been aware of something more, though I may not always find the words to explain it. At best, I find it’s a bit like describing fate as a river. You don’t need to believe, to get where you are going. You can struggle down the shallow banks banging your legs against the hard rocks and struggling over obstacles, but if you have faith and trust in the world you can reach the centre of the river. There the deep water sweeps you quickly along to where you belong, with fewer obstacles to face. I’ve been in the centre of that river. Times in my life when it seemed like luck was on my side, where coincidences lined up to create incredulous experiences you wouldn’t believe if you saw them in a film or book. I desperately want back into the centre of the river, but I spend most of my life in the shallows.

Besides trying to step back in sync with the world, I also thought there were some practical advantages of church. First we wanted to start a family, and I felt it was important for children to grow up in a community. When I was young we were members of a sailing club, and the people we meet there became like grandparents to me. I wanted our kids to have that sense of belonging and being a part of something, and to learn the responsibilities that includes.

I also wanted to get out more. My friends from university have all moved away and I live 3,000 miles from my family. Time has made me very isolated and my illness makes it very difficult to meet new people. I’m lucky if I get out a couple of times a week. So I thought joining a church might help me mange my life better, build towards the family life I wanted and be an opportunity to make new friends.

It all sounds good...except for one rather big problem. I’m not a Christian. I can see the good people find in the Bible and Jesus, but to me they are hollow words with very little meaning. For a while I wondered if I could just sit quietly at the back, participating in the spirit of worship and ignoring the details, but unfortunately I’m a gobby thing. When I truly believe something completely, I can’t keep my mouth shut. All I’d need is to hear someone make a homophobic comment or harsh judgement and I’d find myself in hot water.

So I gave up the idea for several months, until one day I noticed a childhood friend, someone I used to sail with, was a Quaker. I was a rather surprised and had no idea what the Quakers believed, so I turned to Google to find out. In just a few weeks I’d bought a few books about Quakerism and attended my first meeting for worship. That was about eighteen months ago now. I’ve attended two meetings a week since, and love the silence of the meeting. I love that we are encourage to experience for ourselves rather than be told what to believe.

Now normally I wouldn’t write about religion, it seems a guaranteed way to offend someone, but last week was a notable event. Last week I decided to apply for membership in the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers). I knew it was something I wanted to do. Specifically I knew it was something I wanted to do before we had a child, but how do you decide when is the right time? Quakerism is definitely something I'm still exploring and learning about, but I suspect it will always be that way.

In the end, I waited for the river to take me there. Last week I was approached by two different Friends on two different occasions, both asking me if I had thought about joining. I took that as a sign. Though I’m a bit apprehensive, I think this is the path I should follow. If I let the opportunity pass I think I could spend years struggling to decide when is the right time to act, all because I was to scared to swim into the river.

When did I last cry?

2010-07-23T01:24:00.010+01:00

The day after my doctor’s appointment there was a party...and to be honest I didn’t want to go. It was a 30^th birthday party for a former friend. It was one of those one way relationships, where I put all the effort in and she let me down when it really mattered. So I cut my losses, but as she’s still friends with my husband, I try to be nice.

The only reason I even agreed to go, was that I some mutual friends had also been invited. They have a young son I adore and will soon be emigrating, so I really wanted the chance to see them again. The invitation said the party was being held in a ballroom, so I put on my best face and prettiest party dress.

My 50s Swing Dress by Vivien of Holloway

When I arrived it was obvious I’d over dressed. The ‘ballroom’ was a tired community centre and the other guests were dressed for a night out in a nice pub. After a few dirty looks from the birthday girl’s family, I was really feeling put out. I decided to hide in the farthest corner of our friends’ table and ride out the evening. There I was able to I spent most of the evening playing with our friend’s four-year old son and chatting with his parents about the big move. I watched Mr Goldfish playing with the lad and tears came to my eyes; he’d be so good as a father.

A few more friends had joined our party and the Birthday Girl stopped by to gush over her best friend, which did burn a little. It wasn’t long before the conversation turned into dangerous waters. Suddenly my friends were talking about how hard being a parent is and how they sacrificed so much to raise him. Going on about all the planning and stay home all the time, telling a 29 year old married woman that she needed to wait till she was ready.

Without warning I just snapped. I quickly got up and fought through the chairs with a forced smile plastered to my face. I made it outside and seconds later burst into tears. I was surprised to find Mr Goldfish at my side, and we quickly walked out to the parking lot.

It was silly, but knowing that didn’t help. After a few minutes I was able to calm myself and plan our early escape from the party. My friend asked if I was alright, but I just shook my head and she let it go. Her son had been rather concerned by our sudden departure. Though tears kept pricking my eyes, I made it through the final ten minutes. We ran the gauntlet of goodbyes and finally escaped.

Blog with Substance Award

2010-07-22T21:01:00.000+01:00

I’d say that I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner, but I’m rather glad I found it tonight!

I’d been having a good day: I finally got back in sync with the meeting, I found lots of information in the family history library and we went to see Inception which was brilliant. Mr Goldfish suggested we finish this off with dinner at Pizza Express. The first restaurant we tried had a huge queue, so we decided to try another location. When we finally found a table, I was disappointed to discover they’d run out of the spinach and ricotta cannelloni I really fancied. Then as I showed off all my hard work from the library to Mr Goldfish...he knocked his cold glass of water straight into my lap. I was completely soaked! And of course there were no paper towels in the ladies. I made it back to the table and sat in my wet trousers and squashy knickers, only it find out that our food would be delayed another 20 minutes. At this point we gave it up as a bad job, obviously we weren’t meant to eat out. So after a cold, wet and chafing walk home I was just a tiny bit grumpy.

So imagine my surprise, when I discovered that Nudie Princess has given me a Blog of Substance Award! I was completely astonished; here I thought I was just chuntering away in the corner. I never really thought anyone would want to read it. So it’s with great gratitude that I that Nudie Princess, the award really brightened what has been a miserable evening and gave me a lovely warm glow. So here's how it works:

The Rules

Give groveling gratitude filled thanks to the blogger who awarded you.
Share your five word blogging philosophy.
Nominate further bloggers of substance.

Hopefully I've already covered number one, but my blogging philosophy? I’m not sure it’s a philosophy so much as an aim, but started this blog as an attempt to say all those things I kept inside. The things I was afraid to say or struggled to share.

To speak truly and freely

I’m rather ashamed to admit I’m already struggling with this. The last Writing Workshop entry, I avoided the more serious topics because I didn’t want to sound like I was always miserable or simply obsessed. The result was a rather rubbish posting that didn’t really say anything at all. So I may not always achieve my aim, but my blog is definitely an attempt to be truthful without fear.

Now comes the hard point, I have to pass the award on. I’m afraid I’ve only been writing this blog a month, and for two of those weeks I’ve been so busy I’ve barely read anything. So rather than try and recommend a blog to you, perhaps you’d recommend a blog to me. Who should I be reading? I don’t necessarily mean the most popular, but those that really speak to you. Perhaps with your recommendations I'll discover the next award winner.

A Novel Idea

2010-07-22T20:15:00.004+01:00

The Gallery this week had really left me stumped. The prompt is ‘A Novel Idea’, where you take a photo that represents your favourite book or novel or children’s story. Unfortunately for me, I love fantasy and thrillers. So unless I wanted to terrify the neighbours by creating a crime scene in my front yard, I was going to struggle.

After taking Mr Goldfish’s grandmother to Dunham Massey, where deer roam the lawns, I was tempted to cheat and pick Bambi as my story, but I felt that wasn’t really in the spirit of the challenge.

So I went to my bookshelf and tried to work out what my favourite book was. The only thing that stood out was an old battered book of fairy tales I’d had since I was very young. The Twelve Dancing Princesses and Other Fairy Tales.

So I went back through all the wedding photos we’ve ever taken and all the parties with no luck. Finally I casually flicked through the photos I’ve taken the last few weeks and found this photo from our local Walking Day. Not a brilliant photo for this application, but you don’t find yourself twelve princesses everyday.

Never give statistics to a Mathematician

2010-07-18T16:19:00.003+01:00

Friday we went to see the doctor. As a first appointment it wasn’t too bad; we were lucky and managed to get an appointment with the doctor I prefer. She’s a slim and cute woman, who doesn’t make a point of being condescending or patronising.

As we left her office, Mr Goldfish’s first comment was that you shouldn’t give statistics to a mathematician. After 12 months 84% of couples will get pregnant. Of the remaining, half will get pregnant in the next year. So if you filled a room with one hundred couples a year ago, there would be 8 left still with a chance of getting pregnant and 8 who wouldn’t. Ignoring the fact that we have no idea what effect age would have on those statistics, we didn’t find them as optimistic as the doctor did.

As expected, for me I was given the useless advice to relax. At times I wish I could speak in bold or italics, so I could try and explain that I’m not just a bit anxious. I have diagnosed Anxiety with a capital ‘A’. We were also given a bit of contradictory advice, in that we should try and avoid scheduling so we can apparently relaxed and enjoy it. When I pointed out that between fatigue and low sex drive that would be difficult; she said I didn’t have to enjoy it, I just had to be there.

For Mr Goldfish we did discover something new. He thinks he had mumps as a child, which could be causing a problem now. So next week we’ll go in for tests. I need a blood test on the 19^th and 2^nd day of my cycle, while Mr. Goldfish needs to take in a sample. If the tests come back fine, then we might need to press for a more accurate understanding of my anxiety. Till then though this seems like a reasonable beginning.

To find beauty in the details -- Revisited

2010-07-15T21:16:00.004+01:00

Kate over at What Did You do Today Mama suggested that try converting my Gallery photos to black & white, so I gave it a try and here are the results.

With a Bang

2010-07-15T16:35:00.007+01:00

When I was about sixteen, I was a member of our school theatre group. Not one for the lime light, I worked back stage, creating the sets and helping run the shows. This particular year we were performing Don’t Drink the Water and I was asked to create one of the props. The stage manager brought in a heavy thick dowel rod, and cut it into foot long sections; with these I was to create a bomb. I painted the sticks red and stapled black cord to the ends for wicks. I then bundled seven sticks together and bound them with duct tape and created a box with a clock face as a timer. On reflection it didn’t need a timer, but at sixteen I didn’t know much about bombs. Everything I knew I’d learned from the Road Runner and Wiley Coyote.
In the play, the character is supposed to throw the bomb out the window where it will then explode. During rehearsals it’s immediately apparent that we have a problem with our bomb. They can’t throw it through the set window as it makes a clatter when it lands on the other side. So in their infinite wisdom the director and stage manager ask someone to stand just off-stage and catch the bomb as it’s thrown.
Now you’ll remember, when we built this prop we made it out of wood. It’s not exactly soft and fluffy. The actor throws the bomb out the window and it flies into the stage girl’s waiting arms...only then to bounce into her face. BANG! For just a moment there is silence, before she cries “My nose! My nose! You broke my fucking nose!”
We continued to use the prop for the rest of the production, but only the lads were allowed to make the catch after that.

To find beauty in the details

2010-07-12T23:42:00.006+01:00

I may not have taken this topic as literally as others, but I attempted to find an interesting up close view of the everyday objects I found around me.

I Really Thought it had Worked this Time

2010-07-07T20:32:00.007+01:00

This week we really thought it had worked. I had a sharp stabbing pain that took my breath away on Sunday morning before meeting, and later that day some spotting that quickly stopped. I desperately tried not to think about it in case I jinxed it, but I couldn’t help hoping. I was planning to wait till Thursday before testing, but by Tuesday morning I thought I better check. Not because I thought the test would be positive you understand (though obviously I hoped), but because I didn’t think I could handle the crushing disappointment after another two days of optimistic dreams and fantasies.
From the beginning we knew trying to conceive would be difficult. I’ve always had a low sex drive, but I also have Fibromyalgia, which is a chronic pain and fatigue condition, coupled with Hypermobility. Sex just isn’t that easy when you’re exhausted, everything hurts, and your nerves are all miss-wired. Add problems like hip joints slipping painfully out of place and wrists that bend too far back...to say the least, it becomes something of a mine field.
So from the beginning we knew we had to plan. Trying every other day for a whole month was completely out of the question. A couple of months before we started, we began taking Basal temperatures every morning. This gave us a good idea of when we needed to try and we kept it up for about six months. The problem was that you start every single morning thinking about pregnancy. You can’t escape it, and when things don’t work, the thermometer is a constant reminder that it’s not as easy as you hoped. So we switched to the ovulation tests. They aren’t as cheap, but having a few weeks each month when I could just ignore the whole subject was a god send!
I should probably add here that through either nurture or nature, anxiety runs in my family. I’m fully aware that I shouldn’t get so worked up over things...but that really doesn’t help. The biggest problem is that my anxiety is bad enough to short my cycle. My cycle is somewhere between 24-27 days generally, when my mother came to visit for a month I cut that down to 22. I can even do it intentionally. I knew my husband was going to be out of town one month so I let my anxiety run riot and shorted that month to 22 days. It’s an impressive trick, but it means if I get stressed and accidentally short a cycle...that’s my fault.
And as times passed, I’ve become more stressed about getting pregnant, creating a vicious circle. I’ve been avoiding this blog the last few days, because I dare not let myself think freely. I might think about the whole messy process of trying to conceive, getting even more stressed and anxious. So not only am I censoring everything I say, but now I’m trying to censore what I think. Every time a stray thought wandered through my mind I’d smash it, desperate to smother everything. It doesn’t work. Ignoring huge elephants in the room is not a peaceful pastime.
So we decided it’s time to go see a doctor. I completely and utterly dread this. For months I've been spotting a few days before my period and had a huge spotty rash down both arms, which I think is stress related. A quick check on the internet suggests that chronic anxiety can lead to low progesterone, which leads to early spotting, which is a sign that something is wrong. If I’m right, it sounds like an easy fix, but who wants to go into their doctor’s office and say “Hi, I can’t get pregnant because I worry too much.” It’s ridiculous! Then you get the condescending look from the doctors, like you’re only just on this side of sane, as they placate and patronise you.
I hope going to the doctor’s won’t be that bad, but I’ve had a really bad run of them. In any case I don’t have a choice. The wonderful Mr. Goldfish is making the appointment and in charge of talking to the doctor (as they don’t think he’s mad), I’m just there for the tests. In ways I hope it’s his tests that show problems, as it would make a nice change. However he’s the picture of health and I’m the one falling to bits. If there’s going to be a problem anywhere it’s bound to be me.

Uncomfortable Silence

2010-07-07T13:48:00.006+01:00

When I started this blog I never intended to write about trying to conceive. It’s been such a roller coaster of emotion that it leaves me feeling exhausted and empty, not exactly the most cheerful frame of mind from which to write. So I thought I’d keep it to myself, I mean no one wants to read or listen to someone whinging and whining all the time. The last week though I’ve had chance to reconsider. The first was something I read over on Josie’s Blogging Manifesto at Sleep is For the Weak:

4. Good writing, good content comes with practice and with authenticity. Yes, that word. It is about writing from where you are at. It is about writing honestly about the things that matter to YOU. That means not being afraid to write about pain. It is not about being perfect. If you don’t feel like blogging, don’t blog.

10. And, which is what I said in my talk and I’ll say it again here: blogging is ABOUT your life, it is NOT your life. Your blog will be soulless and boring if you are not getting out there and living. So switch off you computers and go and do something different and fun.

I’ve realised that for the last year trying to start a family has been my life. If I try and avoid a subject that’s winding its way through every aspect of living, of course I’m going to feel boring and soulless. I can’t speak freely or truly when there are huge fields of banned territory.
Secondly, I’m frustrated by how little information is out there. It’s a common problem thousands of couples face, yet it feels like a taboo subject no one talks about. It’s so painful that we all stand silently, isolated and alone, when people all around understand and sympathise.
This week we were completely convinced I was pregnant...only to be disappointed again. After trying for twelve months now, it’s finally time to go visit the doctor. It seems like a good starting place for a blog.

Holiday of my Life

2010-07-05T14:47:00.004+01:00

I don't have many photographs from this trip, but this photo of the Atomium in Belgium is one of my favourites. Taken in 1999, it was part of my grand trip around Europe visiting artwork I'd only seen in books.

When I say that this was the holiday of my life, I’m not just talking about the length and breadth of the trip. If you were to look over a map of my life, I think this trip would be a turning point; one of those key events in time that forever change your course.

I was 21 and attending a top-rated design university. My course was a five year degree in which we alternated three months of classes with three month internships. In the winter of 1999, the job market was looking scarce, and it seemed unlikely I would find a placement. Rather than continue on, taking another three months of classes, my mother suggested I take the travel alternative.

Each student was offered one opportunity to substitute a travel quarter for the standard internship. This gave you the chance to see with your own eyes the great works of art and architecture around the world. I jumped at the chance. Within three weeks my itinerary was submitted to the University, I bought my equipment and had my tickets in my hand. I was flying 3,000 miles across the world to spend three months backpacking around Europe on my own.

While the countries were beautiful and the architecture inspiring, that was only the facade. For three months I stepped out of my life. No more thought about the bills or the rent, no more deadlines and projects to worry about, I didn’t even have to take out the rubbish. For once I was free of all the niggling thoughts and worries that plague everyday living.

I discovered that there was another way. That I didn’t need to live a life smothered in stress and anxiety; that I didn’t have to keep racing along this path that had been set before me. I finally had time to stop and consider what was important to me. Ten days after the plane touched down, I rang home and told my Mum I couldn’t go back.

As I continued my trek across Europe I learned that I like my own company. I learned that I could just let go of all those things we are told to worry about...and I’d still be alright. I learned to shake free of mass opinion and discovered passions of my own.

While it was a holiday of museums, tourist attractions and even a whirlwind romance, the real exploration was of myself. I returned home just long enough to complete the final term of my third year and put my affairs in order. Just five and a half months later I was flying back to the UK, ready to start the next chapter.

Hope & Disappointment

2010-06-29T11:00:00.014+01:00

Click photo for a larger view.

This bench sits not far from my home on the very edge of our small town. Every time I walk past, I can’t help but smile and wonder about the optimistic soul who placed it there. The bench sits with its back to the road and overlooks a local landmark, the Nine Arches. I can imagine the planner, envisioning locals and visitors sitting on this bench and looking out over this iconic local landscape. But despite our best effort and plans, our hopes are not always borne out. For passersby the bench calls out with promises of beautiful vistas, but once you sit down and take a moment to look, the landmark suddenly becomes bitter and tired. Those gorgeous architectural aches are marred with graffiti and neglect, the stains of urban living. What looked so inviting at first glance becomes uncomfortable reminder that life isn’t always picturesque.
For me, we’ve been on a cycle of hope and disappointment for over a year now as we try for a baby. Due to my long term health conditions, we always knew that caring for a child would be difficult, but we were also told that my kidney stones would make any pregnancy high risk. So in the year before my wedding we tried to get my kidney stones treated. Clerical errors meant that my appointments were delayed several months, but finally after two years I was declared stone free.
While we’d been waiting for the doctors, we’d started preparing. I stopped my Depo injections after the wedding so they’d have plenty of time to clear my system. We took Basal Temperature readings for months so we’d know when to try. I had pre-pregnancy blood tests done to make sure nothing was wrong. I filled myself with iron tablets and pre-natal vitamins, so I’d be in the best health. We read books and websites, optimistically planning for when we received the all clear...
Growing up when I was young, we were told virtually anything could get you pregnant. Sperm was some insidious fluid that got everywhere, much like the germs on anti-bacterial adverts. I suppose it kept us safe, but also terrified. No one really mentioned that things could change. Now, when I actually want to get pregnant, nothing works. Each month I cross my fingers and hope for good news, and every month I crash back to earth with disappointment. It took us two years of patience and hope to get to the point where we could even try to realise our dreams, and after a year of failure it’s hard to decide what to do next.
Obviously if things don’t work this month we’ll make an appointment with the doctor, but I have a difficult relationship with doctors at the best of times. Being ill with invisible disorders for which there are no clinical tests, always leaves the doctor in doubt. And while I appreciate IVF is a wonderful thing for some people, it just isn’t for us. I’ve read the common advice “relax” and “stop trying so hard”, but I don’t know how to. In the three years we’ve been planning and waiting four babies have been born in our extended family, amongst my friends the number is nearly three times that. My life’s been put on hold for years, with the hope that we could eventually have a family. Now I wonder if I have to let that dream go.
Right now we are in the hopeful stage again, trying desperately not to count the days till July 8^th. If anyone has some luck they can spare, I could sure use some right now.

Written for this weeks Writing Workshop and Gallery. The theme was Emotions

A Dark Mantle - Writing Workshop

2010-06-22T19:53:00.007+01:00

As I've been struggling to find somewhere to start, I thought I might try a few writing exercises from Sleep is for the Weak. This is my first and I hope you'll forgive any minor spelling and typing errors as I can't ask anyone to proofread it for me.

What does depression feel like to you?
Depression and I have been life-long companions. It wasn’t till I was in my twenties that I realised most nine year old girls don’t dream of romantic ways to die. As far as I knew it was normal and no one noticed that anything was wrong. It was when I reached university that things became untenable. Between the anxiety of my degree course and the world-altering shock I received when I finally escaped the high school bullies, the invisible shadow that is depression could hide no longer.
I ran the whole gauntlet: the doctors, the pills, and the therapy. I had my patient confidentiality broken; I was accused of being psychotic twice (and cleared both times); and I had to fight my parents to remain on my university course. At the end of everything, the only thing that had helped was a list of cognitive distortions I found in a nursing handbook. Once I saw them written on the page, it became clear that this wasn’t some integral part of my personality...this was depression speaking. So I stopped. I can’t tell you how, but once I saw the truth written on that page, these logical fallacies had no power over me and fell away.
I wish I could say that I vanquished the monster and lived happily ever after, but real life isn’t like that. Now that I know its tricks, depression has become more subtle, hiding in the shadows. Taking those dark moments everyone faces in life and using them to its own end. Taking stress, anxiety and pain and making them bigger and darker than they have any right to be.
Like an ominous thunder cloud, it hangs just on the horizon ready to rush in at any moment of weakness. For the last two years I’ve felt the cloud building, each small failure and broken promise giving it power. Rather than wage a daily battle with an incorporeal foe just out of reach; I’ve saved my energy and got on with life. It mostly works. Usually my days are overcast if not always sunny, while that cloud looms on the horizon...but not always.
Last month everything came to a head, and that dark shadow swooped in. Overwhelming despair and hopelessness, so sharp it physically hurt. After an hour or two it was completely unbearable, a constant unrelenting weight that smothered me accented by a wrenching pain that threatened to tear me in two. I reached for the scissors. It wasn’t a cry for help exactly, and there was never any danger of serious injury; but physical pain gave an outlet, a way to siphon off some of the overwhelming emotion. A month later the patterned marks from the small snips are visible, external proof of an invisible pain.
I was embarrassed at first, worrying that someone would notice the cuts. That they'd think less of me or assume I was unstable, that they'd judge me as less...but I needn't have worried. People just don't look that closely. Plaster a smile on your face and chatter superficially, and no one will notice the difference.
I can’t describe depression; it’s been with me so long I can’t always tell where I end and it begins. Like a pair of dark glasses, I suspect it adds shadows to everything around me. But they say ignorance is bliss, and I do my best to ignore the darkness.

The Blank Page

2010-06-18T13:19:00.000+01:00

To be honest I don't know where to start.

Like a large white canvas, the site shines with an unachievable potential. So with a deep breath, I take my pen and write a single bold line. Neither pretty nor perfect, the canvas is now awakened, with it's own personality, history and essence; ready to face its future.